A turn of events

---

OK, now it's time for advice.She's warned me to take things slowly...but because I've never done this before, I don't know what the balance is.I don't want to scare her off by being too in her face, but I don't want her to get bored cos I'm not doing anything.What can you suggest?

I'm pretty sure you'll find the balance yourself by feeling it out, but I'll give you some rather vague advice. First, be careful throwing around the "love" language. It can be a bit scary for people. Try not to overwhelm her. The second piece of advice might be hard to take to heart, but try your best to be confident and assured of your relationship. This means not doubting her feelings or doubting your ability to make this relationship work. You need to also realize that she has other things going on in her life. Try not to interpret all of her moods as a reflection of you.Thirdly, play it cool and try not to come across as too needy- this requires that you determine how frequently she wants to communicate (don't bother her by calling or emailing too much). You can get a feel for this by paying attention to how often she communicates with you. If you’re not confidant that you know the proper balance, follow her lead until you figure it out. Physically, you should just go with the flow. Don't expect anything. Just start with kisses and cuddles, and then try to feel things out (metaphorically- don't cop a feel, you dirty man ). "Feeling things out" means paying attention to when she makes moves. If she's making a lot of the moves, you might want to speed things up. If she's either totally passive or looks uncomfortable, slow down.Yup, it's all pretty vague, but I hope that helps. Don't worry, you'll figure out the specifics as your relationship proceeds.

Well she used the "l" word first :PBut yeah, I think I see what you mean. I know that today I tried to talk to her too much (but she is under the weather at the moment)The main reason why she said that to me is because she doesn't want to get hurt again, but I honestly will never hurt her, and I want her to be confident of that. Obviously she's going to be cautious, just as I am, because I know what it's like too, but I want to do my best to make her feel as comfortable as possible with me. I'm in no rush, but I don't want to feel as if we're not moving forward at all, and that's where that vital balance is necessary...Hope it all works out!

Sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

About proceeding physically, you may just have to leave the moves up to her. You've both been hurt before and it may be best if you leave it up to her to let you know when she's ready.
And yeah, keep the use of the big "L" to a minimum.

It seems like things are moving way too fast. I mean you've been talking to her for awhile, but you've only met face to face within the last week right? Don't get so serious and fall hard so fast. People get scared that way.

Thanks guys.This could have been one of my major problems thinking about it. I think to myself that I need to be full-on, all the time in order to keep a girl with me, and that if I'm not, then she'll leave me for someone more adventurous.I'll let her set the pace. I just hope that things will move on, even if it is slowly. I don't want her to be so scared that she wont try new things.

Well I met up with her and her whole family yesterday. They seemed to really like me.
We all ended up going back to hers, but I didn't get to stay for long because she was intent on getting rid of me ASAP.
She claimed it was because the house was messy, but when I said it didn't matter, she took no notice and literally pushed me out the door.

She hasn't even tried to contact me since. I thought I'd see how setting the pace works and I'm holding out for her to contact me....but so far nothing.

What do you think? :confused:

Sit tight, let her call you. She sounds like the independent type of girl.

OK now I'm super worried.Still no reply.She tried to call me but I didn't hear my phone go off, and now she's not answering my calls....I need help

just send her an e-mail or something. Don't keep calling her a lot in one day. Limit yourself to like one call a day or something. Your goal is not to bug her.

OK, just had a call from her.She is going into deep councelling because of some very severe problems she's had in the past.We're kinda putting it on hold on hold for a while, but I think ultimately it's going to end in us not being together.I'm totally heartbroken now, and I'm sorta in mental limbo.She says I mean so much to her that she doesn't want to leave me, but I could tell that she knows that she doesn't think she's going to be able to cope.I'm not sure what to do...I don't want to lose her, and I want to do whatever I can to help, but I'm scared. I need help Why does this always happen to me?

I'm feeling suicidal again...

Life will go on, she says she cares for you, she said you mean so much to her. If this is her being genuine, then you should trust her. Please, whatever u do to yourself, just don't do it too bad, try not to kill yourself, Life'll go on, it may be hard, but trust me, it'll happen, hopefully shes honest, and will return to you, like she says, just make sure u stay in contact, call her every other night or so, email her, get a good volley of emails going. Keep in touch, and let her know how much u care for her and that you are there for her, and tell her how much she means to you.

You seem like such a great person, if you can mean that much to a person, that should give you that much hope to keep going in life, imagine what she would do if you weren't there, she'd lose something she treasures.

Again, just don't do it too bad.

what makes you think she'll leave you? If you wait I'm sure she'll be there for you when she's ready.

She's told her closest friend that she loves me. I believe her. That should be enough to give me hope, but it's not.

I'm afraid that she may be so afraid of me, that she just wont want anything to do with me. This is where the problem comes....because I love her too. I#ve already had my heart broken in the past, and the most hurtful of these previously was with a girl who I wasn't even going out with. That all resulted in me almost dying.
As this girl IS going out with me, and we DO love each other, I don't know what I'm going to be capable of if it does fall through.
I'm not just worried for her, I'm also worried for me.
I can't stop crying.

why would she be afraid of you?

She loves you, so just wait around for her. Put some FAITH and HOPE into her because if you don't then you'll lose her. Calm down.

Let the tears fall, its one of the best things you can do is cry. Crying and screaming into pillows, telling people, always helps me/

Lets just say her previous experience with males is less than pleasant, which is why she's backed away from me.She has trust issues with males because of what they have put her through in the past. I want her to know that I would never do those things to her, but I dont want to scare her away.

Three things:

1. If she's better able to work through her personal problems without the distraction of a boyfriend, then this is the best possible outcome... Caring about people doesn't always mean dating them or being with them. It means helping them through whatever means they need, even if they need to be alone.

2. Don't be so willing to lose and give up. Even if you've had bad relationships in the past, you're not destined to romantic failure. It looks like this relationship might still work out. She cares about you and you care about her.

3. This is just one among many relationships that you'll have in your life. Sometimes they don't end well. I can see that you've had some bad luck in the past. That sucks, and I'm sure it hurts, but don't generalize from specific experiences. There will be other, different relationships if you allow yourself some degree of optimism. It'll be alright. Trust me, you're not the only person with a broken heart. Don't lose hope.