Ok let me start off that I've been struggling with myself ever since I was a little boy. I'm gay, I've always known I've been attracted to guys since I was 7.I stayed in the closet with my sexuality all throughout school. I just graduated high school this year. School was difficult for me, I was teased alot about my voice because it was really high. So people automatically assumed I was gay. I hated that because, even though I'm attracted to men, I don't like being associated as gay, because it's stereotyped badly & it's viewed as a bad thing. Everyone thinks all gay people act opposite of their sex & what not & that's not true. I find myself to be masculine. I'm only attracted to masculine men. I wanted to be myself & tell everyone at school but I couldn't! That made me depressed.. I couldn't tell people what I was really thinking or feeling & I constantly had to lie about having girlfriends.Middle School & High school things got worse.. I was having issues with myself, I was often viewed as kind of nerdy . So 7th grade, I tried to appeal to people.. I kept up with fashion & what was hot, you know,baggy pants etc. I actually liked it! So I wasn't trying to impress people anymore.The rumors about me surfaced about me being gay still & that bothered me. So I stopped being talkative & I withdrew in class. I had a hard time making friends or having cliches.. I mean I have friends but none of them I can relate to & alot were two faced anyway & I found they were either using me for something or they didn't like me overall.Then I was constantly getting hit on by guys at school, guys you'd never would suspect would be gay. I often pushed away in fear that they would be playing with me or testing me.High school wasn't fun, I was never invited to parties nor was any attention focused on me.I felt useless,unattractive & alone.I had friends but they were too focused on things str8 people would do & I often got myself in situations where I embarrassed myself. Like my guy friends trying to hook me up with girls.. I couldn't tell them I was interested because they'd know something was up.There were open gay people at my school but I couldn't relate to them, all of them were the obvious gays.. The girls that acted like dudes & the guys that acted like girls. I really don't like associating with them.Now I graduated high school & I'm more alone & depressed than ever. Everyone went off to college, while I stay here in the house all day,surfing the net & watching tv. I have no clue about what I want to study in nor do I think any college will except me because I did horrible as far as grades & school went.I doubt I'll ever have a boyfriend or anything. There's nothing interesting about me,I have no talents,no life.. That's another thing. I'm not good with meeting new people, because I have nothing to talk about. So most of the time, I just sit their & listen to them talk, just like I did with my friends back in high school. Everyone would call me & talk about their girlfriends or boyfriends or the party or the movies they saw,while I couldn't say anything. My life has always been so dull!
No one understands me & sadly neither do I??
In reply to:
There's nothing interesting about me,I have no talents
I don't believe that. But it does seem that you are slow to take risks and put yourself forward. Life requires taking risks and going out and doing things. You don't have to do everything at once, but you need to start doing some things. Start at least by getting out of the house sometimes. Go to the mall or somewhere where there are other people. Talk to people when you can. You're worth it.
You need to feel comfortable with yourself right now, listen to yourself. There's no rush to know what your future holds, your in a standstill. I'm 32 and I'm still in a standstill. YOU should come to Sydney, Australia and find yourself.
You sound a lot like I did in school. I am also gay. It was hard to relate to people when you're having a hard time understanding yourself. It took me ahwile to really comes to grips on who I was/am.
Best Advice I can give you, esp since now you're out of school, is to go out. Go to the mall, or call up some of your friends and go out to dinner. The less you think about you being different the happier you'll be. I know it's easier said than done, but it's possible.
Also think back to the times when you were happy. That will give you a big clue on what works for you.
Another thing, find out if there are any gay clubs (Not meaning bars but social clubs) for support. You'd be very shocked at the people that attend the meetings. You can meet some awesome people and best of all people that can relate to your situation. There's a club called Prism that is uaully all over the USA (Sorry if you're form another country, I couldn't tell). If nothing else use google to find gay clubs in your area.
If you need to talk please feel free to send me a PM.
<span style="color: green">"Don't be a Dork! Wrap your Pork!" </span><br /><br />
Wow, so much of what you said I went through too.
I am not gay but I seem to have suffered similar depression whilst at school and became socially withdrawn. I was bullied a bit at school, especially due to my acne, so I guess I just gave up on people.
After leaving Year 11 (last year in UK schools) I didn't go to college, either. However, my mum and dad thought I was at college for two whole years. I just walked around town on my own and stood in the woods all alone, until it was time to go home.
I have NOTHING in common with other people. I do not like the way I look nor the way I feel. I have NEVER had a girlfriend or any mates. I am as socially isolated as you can possibly imagine. In fact, I am so lonely that I even developed schizophrenia; talking to myself to alleviate the boredom.
There are 5 notable stages of schizophrenia: grandiose delusions, anxiety attacks, social withdrawal, talking to oneself, and hallucination (audible or visual). I have been on stage 4 ever since I left school. I suppose I am lucky that I haven't got any worse.
But a couple of weeks ago I went back to college to study as a mature student but I find it so difficult to talk to people, and nobody makes any effort with me, anyway, so what's the point?
Tupac4Life, you are lucky that you at least have friends who talk to you, you are lucky that you can at least use your sexuality to achieve happiness one day. Not everyone has those possibilities. I don't.
Are you getting any form of therapy? Are you talking to anyone? There's no point in suffering in silence...no prize for being a martyr.
<i>Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.</i> -- MLK
yANKEE, this is a very sad story. However, nothing you've said suggests that you have schizophrenia. Talking to oneself, social withdrawal and anxiety attacks have many other causes than schizophrenia, and you show no evidence of either grandiose or paranoid delusions.
You may or may not have Avoidant Personality Disorder. There are other possibilities. I feel the first thing you need is a competent professional appraisal.
You tell Tupac4Life "you are lucky that you can at least use your sexuality to achieve happiness one day. Not everyone has those possibilities. I don't." - But you do. You can get more social skills and more social confidence. It really is possible for you to achieve happiness.