Severe scarring from masterbation.

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Hello everyone. I have a personal thing that I need to express. I’m so near suicide that if I don’t talk to someone about this, I’m going to explode. I’m an extremely unhappy man. My life has completely changed in such a terrible way. The last few years of my life have been hell on earth. It all started when my ex of 2 years moved out and left me. I was so depressed I couldn’t even think. All I could do was writhe in intense pain and hopelessness. This I tried my best to bear as well as I was capable of, as I loved her and I had found her with another man, and never knew pain like that before. It was as if she died but worse because she didn’t care. Basically I never got closure and never saw her again. Shortly after this my father was suddenly told he had 3 months to a year to live. My mom, who is severely disabled with her own brutal illness, then tried to commit suicide by taking 100 times the normal dosage of one of her most extreme medications for her illness. Somehow the doctors miraculously brought her back. I then coached my father through his death. He had fallen and went into a coma. His belly mysteriously swelled up with blood. I had to hold him on his side as he violently threw up blood, telling him it was “going to be okay” and “just get it out” and trying to be there for him so he wouldn’t have to face death alone. He died right in front of me. His moans haunt me to this day. Next, we had to sell our family home. He was the bread winner, I was going to school to get my financial security happening. Since he wasn’t working, we lost the house. Whole new ball game now. All my future plans have had the rug pulled out from under them. I don’t even have a place to live now. In another stroke of good luck, my dog died out of nowhere. This all happened in less than 2 years. This is the condensed version. Several other extremely life altering things also happened. I could go on for pages about all the horrible shit that happened from the year 2000 on. Before the year 2000 I had no idea what was about to hit me. Normal life, normal parents. Just never saw this traumatic chapter coming. I only knew of a future that had all those things in it. I just could never imagining losing that much in such a short period of time. Like my life bfore was just an illusion of safety and comfort. Life now is one in which tragedy could be coming at any second. This I trust, for this I know. Life can be absolutely brutal and merciless. Doesn’t matter how good a person you are. But the thing that has me right at the brink of insanity and suicide, I had to bear through it all. For whatever lame reason, when my ex left me something extremely horrible started to happen to me. I was very depressed and my body reacted weird. I gained weight. I broke out from head to toe. I got sick and developed a cough that stayed with me for a year. And my skin became severly dry. Well low and behold. Guess what happened. Every time I’d masterbate it would hurt. So I’d try to abstain. This I did for up to a month. Never got beyond that. Well, the problem didn’t go away. And scarring began to occur. I’d abstain for as long as I could endure and then I’d give it another try, and guess what? Pain and rawness and then scarring. I’ve tried everything to curb my need to masterbate. And I’ve used ointments to try to heal it. Seen Urologists. Seen Dermatologists. Even seen a psychiatrist, as I’m so severly ashamed, embarassed, incredibly angry, frustrated, demoralized, and in horror of what’s become of my penis. I did this to myself. And no woman would ever want to be with me now. I feel like a freak. There’s no getting around it. And the only thing I’ve ever wanted out of this life was to be able to experience my sexuality. Since the day I can remember, I’ve loved women. Hell, I’ve been able to masterbate since before I can remember. And I did a whole lot more of it then than I did to create this problem. Now day’s I abstain to the point of freakin’ insanity and then I give up and indulge trying my best to not hurt myself as I can’t get it to heal. The incredible amount of panic I experience from knowing that the problem is getting worse is what’s making me suicidal. That coupled with the idea that I’ve horribly disfigured myself forever, and that I will always live in shame. Well, I can’t feel that way. I’ve lost too much and my life is miserable because of it. I can handle alot, believe me. But I can’t handle this. I’d simply rather die than have to live feeling this way about myself. Never having my confidence back, never knowing a beautiful woman again. Why I’m being punished, I don’t know. I know there are people who have it worse as we speak. But I want to feel proud of being a man again. I don’t know what to do. I feel so horribly cheated, I can’t even believe the amount of horror I hold in my body and mind over this. Like a sick shiver that constantly courses up my back reminding me of the mercilessness and horror of the situation. A pressure in my chest, constant butterflies in my stomach, and at moments of severe honesty (which only takes a single glance at the scarring), an explosion of panic and rage that makes me clench my whole body up, gritting my teeth and feeling like destroying everything around me. But there’s nowhere for the anger to go. Hurting my fists will only bring me more problems. So there’s nothting I can do but writhe. There’s no solution. There’s just the nightmare. That’s what it is. It’s my nightmare. And I can’t wake up from it. All it takes is one look at my penis and my whole week is ruined. So for the sake of my sanity, I simply cannot look at it. The shock of what I see when I look is so devestating to me that all I can think of isthat I don’t want to live any more. It’s just too horrible for me to bear. I won’t bear it. One way or another, I will not accept this fate.I just really needed to put my thoughts out there for anyone who might have something helpful to offer, in terms of practical advice. I’m sure very few people will even read this long, boring, pathetic letter. But I’m crying out for help. And I’m lost. If anyone knows anything about surgery or anything at all or have maybe had something similar to this occur to them, I’d really appreciate your advice.

It's clear that you're a very sensitive person, ratherdie, and things affect you strongly. I think that's the key. When I first read your post, I thought of someone I know who has a fairly rare skin condition where the skin lacks collagen. It means that it tears very easily. But it seems you were all right until you had the series of calamities, so it seems to be something that that brought on.The first question is, are you eating all right? If you are not eating healthily, you will tend to get sick and your skin won't be strong and won't heal easily.But it could also just be the body's reaction to your psychological state - the anxiety, stress and depression that such a terrible series of reversals naturally induce. The body is quite sensitive to the mind. If that's the case, the solution will lie in acceptance of your new situation. Acceptance, of course, doesn't mean that you don't fight and work to get out of it. It means that you accept that this is your present starting point. That's not at all easy, I'm sure.The human body in fact has remarkable powers of healing. So does the human spirit. You will be able to get better in time. I'd suggest starting with treating the anxiety. A doctor should be able to put you on short-term anti-anxiety medication, to give you a respite while you work out together how to reduce your stress. When that's fixed up, I think you'll see your healing powers pick up again. It will be slow, but it will happen.How are you living, if you don't have a place to live, can I ask?

Hey ratherdie,As usual, Ineligible has given some pretty solid advice and a good assessment of the situation. I’m therefore only adding on to what he already said.Stress can compromise your body's normal functionality, even in purely physical ways. I have no doubt that the horrible things that have happened to you in the last several years have put you under some pretty severe stress. The first thing you should deal with is this stress and mental trauma (the penis problem may also improve along with your mental health). You seem to have the right idea about seeking professional help (at least with regards to your penis), and Ineligible's further suggestion that you consider talking to a mental health professional about anxiety or depression is an excellent plan. Although a simple remedy to stress, I would also suggest plain old exercise, relaxation, and perhaps some cathartic hobbies. Sports, lifting, etc. can be really constructive ways to vent anger while getting your body back into its normal condition. As a final note, I can’t really say that I know the extent of your penis’ scarring, but few peoples’ genitals are picture perfect, and a caring partner won’t hold that against you.

Dunno who said it but:"Don't take life so seriously, no one makes it through alive"I am going through damnation at the moment; it seems all my bad karma is being redeemed. All I can say to comfort you is, your not the only one life isn't a fairy tale and you gotta take hold of what is screwing with you and deal with it.

Wow - very sorry to hear about all the crap life has thrown your way. Unfortunately, that's the way life is sometimes: you're cruising happily along in life, everything going great, then BAM out of the blue, bad things happen and you get thrown some nasty curve balls. The ocean of life isn't always calm, and part of life is dealing with the storms that come and riding them out. Remember that no storm, no matter how bad it is, lasts forever. I can't explain why the skin on your penis is getting scarred. All I can suggest, is if you masturbate, try to use hands free methods to get to orgasm. Like use the water pressure from a shower on the underside, or something that vibrates. You can't damage the penis skin that way. If you do use your hands, make sure you use LOTS of lube, and a light grip, and go slow. As for help in riding out this storm in life, my suggestion is to not dwell on how crappy things have been for you in the past. Focus on the future instead, and dream of how you want things to turn out in your life ahead. Be thankful for the things you have today, no matter how simple or trivial. Like if its nice weather today, be thankful that you're here to experience it. If you see a pretty flower growing somewhere, be thankful that you can experience seeing it and smelling it - some people are blind and never get to experience something as simple as a pretty flower. Set goals for yourself, and work hard to achieve them. These goals should be tied in with your dreams. Again, look ahead, not back. Finally, I think its important that you look to God for guidance and help. Go to church, get involved, and pray. I'm by no means a religious man, but in some of my darkest days, I've looked to God for strength and guidance, and He's been there to provide exactly that. I hope this helps, and good luck to you.

Hey ratherdie. Im very sorry to hear about all your troubles. I live a pretty miserable life myself (for the past four years not to mention the rest of it) and I also think about suicide on a daily basis.

Going to psychiatrists can really be a pain and seems it does more damage than helps sometimes, but that doesnt mean you should give up in finding the help you need.

I have to agree with what focus said about masturbating as lightly as possible and with tons of lube. Also, as Ive posted here before, I wanted to tell you that I am a compulsive scratcher, and since I do it with a foreign object instead of my fingers, I always break the skin. Not only on my penis, but all around it (scrotum, pubes region, inner thighs, everywere!). Half the time Im healing from this and I always have some scabs around there. I even pick the scabs most of the time. But the point is that if those huge scabs on me can heal and disappear, Im almost sure yours can too if you give them some special attention.
I think your reaction to all the stress life has thrown at you, has left your body in a depleted state and thats what has made it hard to heal and easier for your skin to break, but as someone else said before, if you get things a lil bit more calm in your life, specially inside you, your body will respond positively and those scars may even start to look better than they do now.
My wounds heal poorly too and I was reading that it may be a sign of a vitamin C deficiency.

So try to get your nutrition in order too, and some excercise would greatly improve your mood and self esteem too. It helps me. And I have a nearly non existant self esteem.

Just hang in there, dont ever give up and find yourself some supportive and helpful ppl to hang with. Searching for info on your conditions and talking on forums like these helps too. Keep posting and just keep thinking better days will come. Maybe sooner than you think.

I just wanted to thank everyone for replying to my post. I'm severely traumatized by my predicament and feed back is very appreciated. My issues have extremely hindered my self esteem and believe me if you had scarring such as this the horror would be incomprehensible. So I do value your support immensely and welcome any further input that may steer me away from self extinction toward a practical solution that will allow me to erase the scarring to some degree as this is the only solution that I will ever accept. What woman would want to be with someone who has scarring in that area. And I'm not willing to humiliate myself to a million women until one accepts me only to have her leave me and then have to start the humiliation tour all over again. The quality of living with this type of existence is simply not worth the cost. Anyhow plastic surgery is where I'm headed as I want a normal life and simply will not accept this fate, as I said before, one way or another. But I really do thank you all.

you should just try to listen to god it seems that he's speaking to you so speak back call to him any time anywhere he will answer i know how you feel only to an extent i had a g/f for about 3 weeks i loved her and to find her daiting and saying i love you to other guys really hurts but to commit suicide is the end no turn arounds thats it all done and when i looked back on a relation that i'd been in for 3 years that put me in the mental hospital for attemted suicide i look how my life is now despite the fact im still heart broken i reliz that i never would have experenced the pure bliss i felt when i was around her. suicide just isnt the cure the cure is God and time and im sorry if you are offended by religios statements p.s. how old are you ? im 14 going on 15 :laughing: