So there is this song that I've liked for a long time. It's by Third eye blind called "Motorcycle drive by". And there is this line that I heard and I've just wanted that for me. "You’re so serene, careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, you’re guiltless and free". I want to spend more time living and less time contemplating the morality of my life and the way I'm living it. I want to be free of all of that. And I talked to a close friend about this once. And she shook her head and said, “No you don't. That isn't the kind of person you are and isn't the kind of person you'd want to be." I thought a lot about it for a while and just brushed it off. What does someone else know about what I want for myself? But I listened to that song just know and it all became very clear to me. There is a person that I know, a person in my life that lives their life that way. Careening through life, no control of themselves. Living life as it comes and using for all it's worth. Take no prisoners and feel no guilt about it. The one person I live everyday of my life to be a better person than. The person I use to learn from them the experiences you don't need to have yourself. My mother. My friend was right after all. Lol Some of you know my feelings about my mother. Those of you that don't I'll give you a little brief explanation. She has blamed me for ruining her life since she found out she was pregnant with me. And has gone out of her way to let me know, and has done as much as she could to make sure I didn't interfere with her living life up.
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Thoughts become clearer to me
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That's a very thoughtful post, ilikekisses.
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Great post ilike. It made me think of On the Road . It's my favorite book and it really shows the emptiness of living like that.My belief is that you can have a "serene, creening, guiltless, free" life without throwing your morals to the wind.
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In many cases that would be true. However, there are always those times when the right thing to do isn't just a question of black or white. Sometimes you are left to decide what is the lesser of two wrongs or which is more right. I think is those times a lot of contemplation must be used. And you can never be absolutely clear if you did the right thing. Sometimes, as with the story, later things seem clearer and you are left with the guilt of knowing you didn't make the right choice. And the only consolation is know you did what you thought was best at the time. Perhaps, I spend too much time rethinking my life, in an attempt to, not relive the same mistakes. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.
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Yeah, life's like that a lot. Right? Sometimes I've had to just make a choice between one thing or the other, knowing that neither of them are in essence a wrong thing, and just hope that God blesses what I choose. I tend to think that's how it works out. You choose something and then commit yourself to it and that's what becomes your life. Scary. But sometimes that's how I know I'm a man and not a robot.
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I know exactly the feeling of wanting to be something until you realise that it's what you hate. It's a really difficult realisation to deal with and to describe.
For me, it's kind of the same. Sometimes I wish I was more easy going... a fatalist even. But there is no way I'm ready to relinquish that much control. I just can't float through life.Anyway, we've talked about your mom before and I'm sorry things haven't really improved after your move. It's great to see you posting again... you have great insight.
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Things with my mother got worse than when we last spoke of her. Shortly after moving things just fell apart. I no longer speak to her.