Longtime afraidtoask reader and poster (under various names, posting every now and then over the years). I posted a couple months back about a long distance relationship. Well that relationship has fallen though, and now I need advice on how to get over it, and how and if I should/can become friends with the girl. This is pretty long, but PLEASE bear with me. This is a simplified version of the tale as it is, and all these details are needed for you to help me with advice on the situation. It is long, but is a quick read I promise.Split into immediate situation and background, then details about our relationship, then detail about her visit and the break up. I’m a 20-year-old guy and I would say my first “real relationship” (or at least an attempt at a real one) is semi-recently over. The break up was 5 weeks ago. I had been thinking about it less and less, but recently I’ve been thinking about it all more.She broke up with me after visiting me and still wants to be friends. But the way she went about doing it all really hurt me. How do I get over this and move on? Will I ever be ok with it enough to be friends with her?Or is how she went about what she did so messed up that I should want nothing to do with her?It is a bit more complicated then that and you will need more details. Here are the details that you need:The relationship and situation details:The relationship lasted a little over 2 months and was mostly long distance. We met at school about a month before the term was to end at a party. Then 2 weeks later, I went to a party that I knew that she was going to be at in hopes of getting with her (she invited me). I am a bit shy with girls and not very experienced, so to my delight she put the moves on me and initiated kissing and such at the party. After that, we were together. So in the last 2 - 3 weeks of school, we were dating. We went to several parties and a concert together. She stayed the night over in my apartment a handful of times, where I went further with a girl than I ever had before. She seemed to be very into me, sending me pictures of herself in lingerie, etc. So then the term ends and the school year is over. We were going to be about 6-8 hours away from each other. Still, we decided that we wanted to be with each other and we set up “rules” for the summer. We both agreed to not see any other people over the summer. And we had a nice farewell kiss. In the first 3 or so weeks after school ended, we talked every single day – on the phone, AIM, texts, video chat, etc. We would talk for hours on end. We once had a 4-hour phone conversation. She would change in front of me and get naked sometimes in the web chats, and she sent me naked photos of her. Communication dropped off after the first 3 or so weeks after school after she got a job and then I got a job. Our jobs did not coincide well – I worked 8:30am – 5 PM, and she often worked 5 PM – 11 PM. But we still managed to usually talk at least several times a week, for the most part.She wanted to come see me, so she bought plane tickets to come visit me. I agreed to pay for half of her ticket. She bought these tickets 5 weeks in advance. We both seemed very excited about this an were counting down. There was a lot of talk about all the things that we would do when we were reunited.I made sure that my roommate knew about this far in advance, and he agreed to take the couch.Her visit to me and break up details:Ok – fast forward to the visit.I went to meet her at the airport with a bouquet of flowers her favorite color. Then I took her all around the city to all of the sights. I gave her $100 for half of her plane ticket, and I bought her her first meal (only about $9, but still). I took her to a party and introduced her (quite clearly as my girlfriend) to all of my friends. Some even asked her questions about our relationship, and she answered. She was so tired that night from the travel and all the walking that absolutely nothing happened – she was asleep almost immediately, so I thought nothing of it. We still had 1 more night.The next day I took her to see more sights and I took her to my office, where I again quite clearly introduced her to my coworkers as my girlfriend. All the other meals she contributed money towards, but I paid more than half of the bill. After dinner, she suggested that we watch a movie. Back at school – we had always put in a movie in and then either started to make out and then do other things either during the movie or afterwards. She almost always initiated. So I rent one of my favorite comedies. She had never seen it before, and it is one of my favorites, so I fully intended to watch it in its entirety to let her see it, so I wasn’t going to start making out during it. I fully planned to as soon as it was over make moves on her. Well the movie ends – and she is all ‘what are we going to do now?’ I tell her in a very suggestive way “well I’ve gone some ideas,” moving in closer to her. She turns away from me, and in a very funny tone is all “uhh I’m really tired. I’m going to go to sleep” I kept asking her what was wrong. Why was she acting so strange? She hadn’t seen me I 7 weeks, and now she won’t even kiss me. I give it a rest and let her be.The next morning, I make her a nice breakfast. We go on like nothing weird happened the night before. She is going to go off and meet with a friend before she was to fly back, and her friend was going to take her to the airport. So I said my final goodbyes to her – she just quickly said goodbye and gave me a hug then turned around and left! I was like….uhh what just happened? My supposed girlfriend just visited me for the weekend, and after us not seeing each other for 7 weeks, we didn’t even kiss.I decided to go to the airport to meet her and confront her. She had left a charger at my place, so I used that as a partial excuse. That, and that I needed to see her again before she left. It was very clear that she did not want to see me at the airport.I needed to find out what was up and try to kiss her before she went back.After she finally arrived at the airport, as smoothly as I could, I went in for the kiss… it was brutally denied. A simultaneous head turn and push with her hands. It took a lot of “what’s wrong? Why won’t you kiss me?” for her to finally say “I’m kind of ….feeling more of the friend vibe from you”And then she told me that she didn’t even think that I was the “boyfriend type.” She wanted someone more experienced in relationships and didn’t want to basically be my first real relationship. She said that she thought that I was a really nice guy and that she enjoyed hanging out with me and wanted to be friends…She told me that she came in to visit me thinking that she just wanted to be friends with me and claims that she only acted as a friend to me the entire weekend and just hoped that I would pick up on it. She wanted to be with me back at school, but not any more.Heh – she slept in the same bed as me and openly got naked to change and to shower in front of me during the weekend. She let me introduce her to friends and coworkers as my girlfriend. During the weekend, we held hands occasionally. And she sat in my lap sometimes. Other things like that – doesn’t sound like things that a friend would do.Oh and she took my $100 contribution to her plane ticket 2 days earlier. She offered to give me girl advice in the future – oh great. She was also basically sort of denying that we were ever a couple, trying to say that we were nothing more than friends. Why did she let me introduce her to everyone as my girlfriend? Oh she wasn’t going to correct them in front of me.Why did she change in front of me even though there was both a walk in closet and a bathroom? She just changed where her clothes were, and her clothes were in my room in front of my bed. I “wasn’t really looking anyway.” Heh.Why did she sleep in the same bed as me? She didn’t want to sleep on the couch or in my roommates bed. Heh. This upset me very much – I felt like she had been playing me, stringing me along, and just wanted a nice discounted trip to the city (half price ticket, free room and board, partially subsidized meals, and a free tour guide – me). The week after, she kept texting me. She didn’t understand why I was upset. She was upset that I was ignoring her. Then she called about 6 days after the break up at 2:30 am. She wanted to know if I was over it yet and if we could be friends. “It’s been a week, you should be over it. We were only together for 2 months” she said (or words to that effect). She was actually upset that I had been sort of ignoring her texts and calls and that I hadn’t called her. She thought that I should be calling as a friend like nothing had happened! She was really upset that I hadn’t called to make sure that she had made it home safe.I let her know that I couldn’t make an immediate transition from dating to friends. I needed space. I told her to not text or call me for at least several weeks. That was 4 weeks ago – and after an immature and harshly sarcastic response from her, I have heard absolutely nothing. So do you think that I can ever be friends with her? Do you think that she will call me again or message me? Or do you think that I should? What she did and how she went about doing it really hurt, and it still hurts a little. It is like she either didn’t know or even care about my feelings.I really cared for her – the first girl that I’ve ever really had feelings for (no, not love, but I did care for her). And I don’t even know if she even ever really cared about me. Probably not. Now that it is weeks past the breakup, I realize that we were not meant for each other, that there were many problems in our “relationship” and that it probably is all for the best. But how she did it still sucks. Should I want to be friends with her?Anyway, when I do run into her at school again or if she calls me or I call her, she will ask 1) if I’m still upset or mad at her and 2) if I want to be friends now.What do I do? What do I say?How do I get to be in a place where thinking about this or even thinking about her name doesn't upset me? How can I forgive her, move on, and be friends? Or should I even want to do that?
-
Help with first real breakup. ever be friends?
-
Try see it from her point of view. She obviously likes you, even if it only as a friend, and doesn't want to hurt you, but she clearly doesn't think this distance relationship can work. She probably flew over to break up with you, but couldn't do it when she saw you so happy, and with flowers at the airport. From then on it just got harder and harder because she didn't break up with you immediately. I don't know what her reasons for breaking up are, but you can't stay mad at her over a small amount of cash or her misleading you. I doubt she wanted to, but like I said you made it very hard for her.Edit: I'll just clarify; I'm not saying you did anything wrong. I'm just trying to point out that initiating a break up is difficult too.
-
wow I wish that I could edit that post - it is ridiculously way too long! I would make it less than half its length, but I can't seem to edit it now....Thank you so much for replying kmrobins - looks like everyone else was sacred away by the post length. It has only been long distance because it has been the Summer - between the Spring and Fall semesters of college. Summer is now over - I'm already back at school and she will be back too in a day or two if she isn't already. Her visit was already past the halfway point of summer.Although long distance is probably what killed it.She didn't specifically fly over to break up with me - the trip was planned long in advance and she bought the tickets 5 weeks in advance. Leading up to the visit, we were both excited. She told me how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to see me again, it would be the highlight of her summer, etc. And in the first couple weeks after she bought the tickets, there was talk of all the physical things we would do togetherSo not a planned break up trip. She is horrible at confrontation - so it is entirely possible (even likely) that she wasn't going to say anything all weekend, and just call me to tell me once she got bac. She only did it because I confronted her.kmrobins, how is it obvious that she likes me? To me I wonder if she even ever really cared about me. As for her reasons? All of a sudden she just "getting the friend vibe from me" And that I "wasn't the boyfriend type" She wanted someone more experienced in relationships.She was essentially my first real relationship.Well now its been about 4 1/2 weeks since we've had any contact at all. I had told her that I couldn't make an immediate transition from dating to friendship. I needed space. I said "stop texting and calling me for at least several weeks"besides a nasty and sarcastic reply to that - I have heard absolutely nothing in 4 1/2 weeks.How should I proceed? I really want to move on, and I would like to try to be friends I think. and how do i completely move on and get over it all?
-
For the first time in my life, I don't think the girl has done anything wrong here.Sure, it sucks she broke up with you, and the reason is a bit crappy...but her actions and the way she dealt with it were more or less as they should have been.My guess is that she's pretty nervous about relationships and that whole area.So when you planned the trip together, she was still excited to be in this "relationship". As time went on, she got a job and became more independant in her new surroundings, she probably felt more confident about herself. Obviously the distance thing is a massive factor in all of this.As time went on she probably started to question if she wanted to be in a long-distance relationship, but wanted to spend some time with you to be sure. Obviously if nothing worked how she wanted, she could then break up with you in person rather than over the phone or even worse, over IM or whatever.So she arrived and tried to get into the couple thing, but after the first day it seems her mind was already made up.She wouldn't have corrected you about saying she was your girlfriend in front of all of your other friends. That would be a pretty harsh thing to do and you would have felt totally crappy for the remainder of the day.Sitting in your lap and holding your hand and stuff is friend material, so don't get ahead of yourself there.As for her changing, maybe she doesn't think of nudity as much of a big deal - especially if you had already seen her naked (in pictures). That shows that she's at least confident about her appearance.The sleeping in the same bed thing can also be interpreted as friendship, especially if she is as laid back about things as she seems. It's happened with my friends. Maybe she just wanted to be hugged!All in all I think she handled things remarkably well, and she obviously still wants to be friends with you.I think the first step you need to make is to forgive her. She didn't really do anything wrong and she tried to let you down as carefully as she could. The only reason she's been more harsh recently is because she can't see any reason for you to be angry at her. And basically she's right!As for you remaining friends with her, that is up to you. One of my best friends is an ex-girlfriend. However, some of my exes are my worst enemies! It's all about how much you felt for her. To me it sounds like you were a little too into her for the time you were together.So it's all about whether you think you can handle going back to being just friends, or if it will be too difficult. Either way you choose I support. I understand it can be hard to be friends with some girls you have been close to.Either way tell her exactly the reason, and be gentle about it. She obviously values you as a friend, and would like to remain friends. Don't be a dick about it.If you do choose to try and forget her, it will only work if you follow some basic rules:End it on a good noteDelete ALL forms of contact with herIf possible, change your email addresses and phone numbersTell your friends to NEVER give you her details againI have done the above steps with several people and it works. Fail on any of the above and you will fail, epically.
-
I agree with what he said.
-
Wow! That is a hell of a lot of information to process in the few minutes I spent reading this!Ok, so let me get this straight: 1. You and girl started going out before school broke for summer. 2. You guys e-mailed and things semmed to be fine. 3. She came on a visit to you and acted purely friendly?Maybe both of you guys changed a bit.. she really wanted to see you, that much is obvious from her at least coming out to see you, despite you paying half of the fare. When she got there though, she may have seen a different guy than the guy she was e-mailing...clearly I don't mean this in terms of appearences but as she said, she was only getting a friend vibe..
-
Sadbuttrue - thanks for that reply. A lot of your reply is just like your user name - sad, but true. A bunch of these posts have made me see the whole situation much better from her perspective. But you don’t think that she did anything wrong? What about taking the $100 from me for half of the plane ticket? I think that’s pretty messed up if she intended to just be friends coming in to visit. And if she decided after I had given that to her, should she not have given that back to me? Quote: As time went on she probably started to question if she wanted to be in a long-distance relationship, but wanted to spend some time with you to be sure. Yes, this is unfortunately what happened. But, see this is why I think that this is messed up:I was looking forward the whole summer to a nice weekend with my girlfriend because she gave me every reason to.The whole summer it was full of “I miss you” and “I can’t wait to see you” Sending me pictures of her naked and in lingerie, etc, etcShe actually made me reassure her a couple times that I still liked her!!! And she once vocally expressed concern that I might do things with other girls…. I told her that she had nothing to worry about – and that I only wanted to do thing with her. A couple weeks before her visit she sent me a video of her saying how much she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me, how bored she was in her home city and that visiting me would be the highlight of her summer. In the week before the visit she certainly made reference to sexual things that we would do together. Encouraged me to buy whipped cream, etc if you know what I mean.Things like that.Is it not messed up that on one hand she is saying how much she misses me and can’t wait to be with me and on the other she is thinking that she doesn’t really want to be with me? She said NOTHING about this to me. Is that not wrong? I feel like I was used and deceived. And embarrassed that I introduced her to my friends and coworkers. And what do you think of these two anecdotes:On Saturday of the visit (she flew in Friday)She told me that she had had a dream that morning that I refused to make out with her and this made her very upset. I assured her that I would never do that and that I did want to make out with her. Heh it was later that night that she refused to make out with me… wtf? And at dinner that night – she talked about visiting again in about 2 weeks (as we had discussed before) and we talked about me visiting her after my job was over (4 weeks away). She said that her parents probably wouldn’t let me stay in the same bed as her. Uhh why say something like that if all she wanted to was friends?And picking out a movie that night she said that we need to “make a list of all the movies we need to see together”Then that night she refused to kiss me and again refused to kiss me the next day and broke up with me…… WTF? Quote:Obviously if nothing worked how she wanted, she could then break up with you in person rather than over the phone or even worse, over IM or whatever.No. She never planned to break up in person.Like I said – she is horrible at confrontation. She doesn’t do it – she avoids it. She had no idea how to tell me. It only happened because I confronted her at the airport.She claims that she was going to call to tell me sometime after she got back.Saturday night that weekend – when she refused to kiss me, I asked if everything was allright. I was worried she sick/not feeling well! It had been 7 weeks since we had seen each other and I had heard all summer how much she wanted to be with me again….so that was weird.She assured me that everything was alright! She said that she was just tired and wanted to go to sleep. Should she not have told me then?Then the goodbye on sunday was the quickest hug that I have ever had with her. “OK. Goodbye!” she said. Then she turned around in a flash and quickly walked away. She was going to just go back home leaving it at that – leaving me to feel really shitty and in limbo. So I had to confront her at the airport. Then at the airport – when she blocked my kiss she kept saying “no.. nooo. It’s okay! It’s okay!” - I was like What? It’s NOT okay. It took I don’t know how long after that for her to tell me that she just wanted to be friends. But now that’s over. It has now been 6 weeks and a couple days since the breakup. I’m much much better than I was when it first happened – but I’m clearly not completely over it. I think that her reason is making it really really hard. Not only does she not see me as her boyfriend – she doesn’t see me as anyones boyfriend! I’m “not the boyfriend type” she said. WTF. It took her over 2 months to realize that? She couldn’t realize that after being with me in person for 3 weeks at school and spending many nights at my place? Her reason is crap and it is very hurtful. Or should I just be able to immediately get over that? She actually told me that she thinks that I should find a girl who hasn’t had a relationship so we could learn how to be in one together. And she offered to give me girl advice. WTF. She criticized how I didn’t try to kiss her on Friday when she got off the airplane. I gave her a bouquet of flowers her favorite color and a great hug – but we didn’t kiss. I had intended to, but it just didn’t happen. I saw it as no big deal since we were going to have 2 nights together…. Thought we would kiss plenty. Boy was I wrong. Then she criticized me for only trying to make moves on her twice (both which she rejected) and not making any Friday…….. BTW on Friday I made many subtle suggestions that I wanted to kiss but she didn’t respond…. And then she just fell asleep once we got into bed. Me trying to make out with her on Saturday night was “too obvious,” so she refused. Wow, back at school she criticized me for not making any moves, and this was too obvious for her… ridiculous. So this leaves me with a …… What??????? Feeling. It has now been over 5 weeks since we’ve had ANY contact. Now both of us are back at school and the fall semester will start in a week.It certainly did not end on a good note.So whether I want to be friends with her or just forget about her – how do I get back on a good note? Should I and how do I re-establish contact?
-
Originally Posted By: mollydollyWow! That is a hell of a lot of information to process in the few minutes I spent reading this!Ok, so let me get this straight: 1. You and girl started going out before school broke for summer. 2. You guys e-mailed and things semmed to be fine. 3. She came on a visit to you and acted purely friendly?Yes to #1. #2 - We talked on the phone, imed, video chatted, and texted. We talked on the phone very frequently and for hours on end. #3 - She says that she acted purely friendly. I don't. What do you think? I promise no more long posts.. I have said all that I feel and asked all the questions that I want to ask..... So I would really appreciate any final advice you can give me.
-
OK I am sensing a lot of anger, and that's normal considering it's been 5.5 weeks of you stewing about how annoyed you are.My opinion still hasn't changed, however. I still think she did nothing wrong and you need to stop blaming her.I will detail this for you. Quote:What about taking the $100 from me for half of the plane ticket? I think that’s pretty messed up if she intended to just be friends coming in to visit. And if she decided after I had given that to her, should she not have given that back to me? OK look, you wanted to see her as well. Just cos it didn't work out as you expected that doesn't necessarily mean that she should pay for the whole thing. It takes 2 to tango and she can't be blamed if she's not interested in you. Quote: The whole summer it was full of “I miss you” and “I can’t wait to see you” Sending me pictures of her naked and in lingerie, etc, etcIf there's one thing I've learnt over the past week, it's that girls sending you kinky pictures of themselves means nothing. Depressing I know, but I have found out first hand that there can be no emotion in it whatsoever. There may be, but there doesn't have to be. Quote: She actually made me reassure her a couple times that I still liked her!!! Quote:she sent me a video of her saying how much she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me Quote:In the week before the visit she certainly made reference to sexual things that we would do together. You appear to have forgotten that at this stage she was still in the mindset that she wanted to be with you. It's not like she was deliberately building you up to tread all over you. Don't think to yourself that she was doing that else you'll end up like me and that is BAD. Quote: She told me that she had had a dream that morning that I refused to make out with her and this made her very upset. I assured her that I would never do that and that I did want to make out with her. Heh it was later that night that she refused to make out with me… wtf? This was a classic test to see if you still thought of her as your girlfriend or not. What seems like a cry for reassurance is actually her trying to see what you think of her, and how you'd react in the same situation.I'm afraid I'm in a sarcastic mood, so the following may seem a bit harsh: Quote: she talked about visiting again in about 2 weeks (as we had discussed before) and we talked about me visiting her after my job was over (4 weeks away).Uh...friends visit each other? Quote:She said that her parents probably wouldn’t let me stay in the same bed as her. Uhh why say something like that if all she wanted to was friends? Maybe, you know...she was trying to tell you that you are just friends? I.e. "You can't sleep in the same bed as me cos we're just friends" Quote: And picking out a movie that night she said that we need to “make a list of all the movies we need to see together”You mean I need to be in a relationship to watch films with someone now? Damn I'm screwed. Quote:She assured me that everything was alright! She said that she was just tired and wanted to go to sleep. Should she not have told me then? Put yourself in that situation. You've just rejected a girl who really likes you from kissing her just before you're about to go to sleep. Does that really sound like the best time to drop a bomb like that, halfway through the weekend? No. Not really. Quote: I think that her reason is making it really really hard. Not only does she not see me as her boyfriend – she doesn’t see me as anyones boyfriend! I’m “not the boyfriend type” she said. WTF.Christ you've over-read that. She's not said in any way shape or form that you're not suitable for girls. She's said you're not the boyfriend type. How does she know what other girls like? She was talking about her own taste in men. Stop trying to make yourself seem bad! Quote:Then she criticized me for only trying to make moves on her twice (both which she rejected) and not making any Friday…… Maybe, but only maybe, this is why she doesn't think of you as more than a friend. Sounds like she wants someone who is in control. Quote: She actually told me that she thinks that I should find a girl who hasn’t had a relationship so we could learn how to be in one together. And she offered to give me girl advice. WTF.Unfortunately girls don't seem to understand that it's frickin hard to "just be friends" with a girl you really like...and they always seem to wanna help hook you up with someone else. They're ALL like that.That's my analysis. Sounds like you've been overanalysing the whole thing and that's just plain bad news.So how do you re-establish contact? Best bet is to send her a message along the lines of "Hey, how are you doing? I'm sorry that things didn't work out, but I'd like to stay friends, what do you think?"It's short, sweet, to the point and doesn't make you sound angry or desperate.Finally, I think the only thing she did wrong was decide to not tell you until she had left. That was pretty cowardly. But everything else I'd say was normal behaviour.
