If you guys have read my previous post, you know that I don't believe in disorders. You might find it funny that I visit a psychologist on a monthly basis. Last time that I visited a psychologist, I was told that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Attention Deficit Disorder. They have always said I have depression. But I think that falls under Bipolar. I'm not exactly sure what all this means. I guess that's how they label my symptoms. My psychiatrist suggested that I become an In-Patient and be put in a hospital. He said it would be the fastest way to recovery. PAUSE. First of all, I feel like I need to explain something. I feel really weird right now. Suicide runs through my head everyday. I'm always sleeping. I get frustrated when I try to do things. I'm surprised I'm not frustrated right now typing this post on A2A. I used to enjoy figuring out computer problems. Now it is really fucking overwhelming. I can't stand to be around my family. I wish I could just run away and hide. Too bad the American society has gripped me by the balls though. It is getting hard to keep my composure as a person. I don't know where to turn. I feel trapped. I don't trust anyone's advice. I spend all my time worrying and getting frustrated. PLAY. So after I heard this news from the Psychiatrist, I went and talked to my friend who is a Behavior Analyst. She said that my parents basically fucked up my raising. They always let me win. She thinks by going to the hospital that it is just another escape. She says I need to schedule my days and get my shit done and that I don't like myself and that's why I am down. I don't know what to do or who to believe. My friend or the psychiatrist. I don't know what road to take.
I don't think anyone can tell you which road to take, but I personally don't think hospital is an escape. I also think it is too facile to blame everything on how you were raised, though obviously that would be an important factor. But genetics is also important, and quite possibly other factors we know nothing about.
Hospital isn't necessary a bad thing.
Sometimes we have to escape from things for a new perspective before we can attack them head on and set our lives in-order.
There is no punishment. There is no reward. There are only consequences.
Well I'm taking Zoloft & Abilify. Apparently Abilify costs about 480$. Luckily, because I have insurance, I only had to pay 20$. 30 tablets of Abilify costs 500$ that's crazy!
So I think my dad just said something about me laying in bed all day watching porn. I'm not sure what he said exactly but it wasn't in the nicest tone. I'm not entirely sure because I was sort of eavesdropping through my bedroom door. Now I feel stuck in my bedroom. I don't want to get up because I think I really know how he feels. He still feels the same way about me: I am a kid who is fucking up. I'm 19. I don't have a job. I lay in bed all day. He doesn't understand that I just can't function in this house. I can't stand being around him and my sister. I hope my sister doesn't turn out to be like him. He always seems so mad.
What do I say if I'm confronted by him again? If I try to stand up for myself, my parents will always say something to put the blame on me. It doesn't matter what I say.
Your dad may not do things in the best way but he is obviously worried about you - and surely with good reason, since you are depressed and feeling suicidal.
I don't think in the end that what is important is what you say, but what you do. You want to be responsible for yourself, and that is good. But that means taking charge - if you do nothing, it's likely that nothing will change, and you won't get out of the house. You've spoken before about college - what is the situation there? If that's not likely to happen, can you try for a job? If you can't because of the depression, how about more aggressive treatment?
Well, here's an update.
I am in college as of now. This is my first semester. I was originally taking 12 hours which makes me a full-time student. Being a full-time student, I was back on my dad's insurance. So now I can visit my psychologist and psychiatrist. For me personally, all these disorders and depression and stuff are all sort of like something I have lived with and not known about for a good part of my life. They told me I was depressed before. I didn't really acknowledge what they had meant when they said it to me, to be quite honest. I was like oh, it's just a small thing. Nothing to worry about. So now when I am feeling absolutely suicidal and I am on the brink of insanity, I finally realize that it is a chemical imbalance. I am very stubborn as you can tell. I don't like to believe anyone. I didn't really realize that it was truly a chemical imbalance until after I had started taking Abilify & Zoloft. I noticed a huge difference in my mental state. I am focusing better. I don't feel as tired. I just feel all around better. So now I am still trying to cope with all of this crap inside of my head. Hopefully I can get a job and stay in college and be good at it as I desire. I am trying really hard to overcome this, it is just hard for me to make decisions because I am thinking so irrationally and worrying way too much. I have bad anxiety attacks. I now know that what I am going through on a daily basis are anxiety attacks. I didn't know that before. That begs the question, why didn't my psychologist and/or psychiatrist tell me about these things. Why did I have to go online and do research to figure these things out? Should I switch psychologists? I have been to three psychologists that work for the same company and I have been going to them ever since I was 14. They haven't been able to help me for 5 years. And if I need to switch, how do I pick a new psychiatrist and psychologist?
I have been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists for 10 yrs or more........I was diagnosed with borderline PD first then few more things got added to it. Well changing doctors only means more additional diagnosis from their point of view.
I dont think there is a single person out there you doesnt feel depressed, angry or paranoid about something. I struggled very hard to appear normal, keep a false smile on my face and laugh/joke, do my work/chores. Well it only put me in worse emotional turmoils.......cos that wasnt me at all.
I changed myself to meet my own wishes........I aint normal but I am happy as I am.
My only opinion is take steps to make your life better and do things that make you happy. Better stick with one doctor, its much better than repeating your whole life's history over and over again with different doctors which in itself is quite depressing for you and listening to different opinions from them which may confuse you further.
Try to have some fun, go out with friends make changes in your life.........that will definitely help you a lot.
As far hospitalization is concerned, it sure helps sometimes, I was an in patient quite a few times myself. It does give your mind some rest and helps in staying away from things that cause you discomfort.
I ended up in hospital for various reasons, severe depression, stupors, catatonic stages, failed suicide attempts, seriously injuring myself or others when I was in rage......etc.
Since I took few steps and made changes in my life I am feeling much better these days........yep I am still depressed at times, yep I still do have thoughts of suicide but I am also pleased with the progress I have been making ......and I got myself a punching bag to hit when I wanna hit someone or something
<i> <span style="color: red"> <b>Il faut plus d'amour dans le monde. </b> </span> </i><br /><br />
I'm very glad you're in college - that's excellent. I'm also very glad that you are finding you can focus better now and you feel less tired. That means the depression is lifting. Of course it will still be up and down a bit and some days will be better and some worse, but the average is better.