Could things get any worse?

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Welcome! i understand how you feel completely. a lot of what you have said has bought back a lot of bad memories, without spouting too much about it now, and i know how it feels to be where you are now. i joined here a few years ago and made some great friends, some of which i've managed to keep for a long time, something i've never been able to do. you have done a good thing finding the people here, this is a place where you don't have to worry about the way you look, everyone has the same insecurities. where abouts in the world are you??take care, Becky xx

Thanks for the replies everyone! I really appreciate it. I know it's been a while since I've posted here but I thought I’d give everyone an update. My cat did in fact pass away. She passed away a day before New Year's Eve. I had come home from working a 12-hour night shift to find my cat had passed away that night. This happened much quicker than I thought it would and felt absolutely devastated about this. In between grieving for her and having to properly bury her I had to work 84 hours that week, 7 straight nights of working 12 hours. I felt absolutely burned out! I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. In between speaking with someone at the 24-hour crisis hotline on my night shift which was absolutely no help to me at all, I had seen my family physician about my serious anxiety & depression as well as my recent difficulty breathing & panic attacks. He recommended me to take a 2 week leave of absence which would benefit my health. I took 2 weeks off which helped but couldn't really afford to take any more time off and was shortly back to work. Right now I am the most depressed I've ever been in my whole life, I feel as if I have absolutely nothing going for me, nothing to look forward to. I'm STILL living at home, STILL don't have a girlfriend/significant other, meanwhile almost all my peers are either engaged now, married, or at least in a long-term relationship, meanwhile I can't even get a date for the night. I am so lonely and feel so isolated. I have absolutely no friends at all and struggle making new ones. I literally haven't had a date in over 6 months and haven't gone out with anyone to a bar, party or anything in over a year (about 14 months now). My job has really been affecting my physical & mental health. Like I mentioned before I work 12-hour night shifts alone in a group home with a few clients with different intellectual/mental health disabilities (i.e. Autism, Bipolar,) which can be extremely stressful on a regular basis. My whole sleeping & eating patterns are so screwed up. I find myself wired till noon then want to pass out from a lack of sleep from about 2 till 6 or so. On a day off I usually can’t fall asleep till about 6 or 7 in the morning even with my prescription meds then don't wake up till sometime in the afternoon. I usually average about 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night then on a day or two off I usually want to sleep the whole day or two then get depressed about not going out anywhere because I am so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I feel as though I worked too damn hard to get where I am today to be in this position. Now I am going on 27, STILL living at home, STILL single, have virtually no friends, no social life, no self-esteem, and am having to take several prescription meds for my anxiety & depression/breathing problems & panic attacks which helps a bit but makes me more tired than usual. It's not like I'm not trying to get out of this big black hole feeling of emptiness. I'm on dating sites, trying to put myself out there even though I'm very depressed and have low self esteem because of the fact I'm a grown man (26 almost 27 years old) and still look like I'm 18. Nobody takes me seriously and do not get respected as being an adult in his mid-late twenties. On my time off from work I'm always looking for other work so I can get out of this rut yet nobody gives me the damn opportunity to prove myself. I feel like the more I try the more I fail. I feel completely hopeless still and just want things to change so I can finally get out of this rut, and escape this battle with anxiety & depression so I can live a normal, healthy, and fully functional life. I wish someone could help me but how is the question? I feel doomed! I feel as though I’m close to a nervous breakdown, I’ve been too strong for too long now and don’t know how much more I can take.

hey. where abouts do you work?? I'm a qualified nurse in this field of work and I know how stressful it can get in this environment. I think the levels of depression and stress are higher in this work type than others.I'm sorry to hear about your cat. I have 3 guinea pigs that are my world and don't know how i'll cope when they pass. Animals have a real tendency to become a big part of your life and it sucks when they leave. Could you get another cat when a bit of time has passed?working that much isn't healthy, will make you feel worse and will make your depression 10 times worse. you need some proper time to recover and you need time to yourself. also to socialise and interact with peers outside of work. you won't find yourself a girlfriend if you haven't got any time to do so.find a hobby, get into something that will make you get out and see people.I hope you feel better soon, I have sent you a message :@)

are you in USA?

Thanks for the reply. I'm actually from Canada. My depression has gotten so bad that I had to take a medical leave from work that my doctor requested months ago due to how bad my physical & mental health has gotten. I have been off work for about four months now and have been desperately looking for a full-time job on days more geared towards my field. I get so depressed because being this is my second career that I've tried to pursue and have been out of my training for almost a year and a half and am still unable to find a full-time day job in my field. Most of the people I went to college with and graduated with have all got great jobs in social work. Some people are working as student advisors and employment facilitators because they happened to know someone, at least enough to get their foot in the door. I know of students that took the same course as me but graduated a year after I did, which most of them have great jobs in this field. It's not like I'm sitting back, I'm being very proactive in my job search especially being on a sick leave. I have enhanced my resume and have had it professionally checked by a good few people, have enhanced my portfolio, professional business cards and am always pounding the pavement making calls, sending out resumes and still haven't had any luck. How is anyone supposed to prove themselves if they aren't even given a chance to have even one friggin' interview??? I still have sleep disturbances and have noticed myself getting very short with others. I am more blunt now...say things just the way they are and get very angry & irritable very easily. I am now 27 years old! STILL live at home, struggling to move forward in my career, have virtually no friends/social life at all and haven't been able to get a date in over a year. I've tried online dating, have been stood up/made an ass out of...I just haven't had too much luck with that. I've tried putting myself out there more but have been rejected countless times and haven't had an opportunity to even go on one date. Most of my peers that are my age or younger are either married, have kids, engaged, living with someone or in a long term relationship. I mean is it too much to ask for to just want to be able to have the opportunity to date at the age of 27??? I mean I'm in my late twenties and still struggling to even have girls become attracted to me or want to get to know me. I feel absolutely pathetic, have been thinking to myself why am I even living when I feel absolutely dead inside?. I'm not suicidal and have never and would never harm myself. But if I could make all the pain go away somehow I would. I always get ridiculed by others even by my own family members. People make fun of the fact that I'm so skinny, pale looking, still can't grow decent facial hair and get told I look 16 all the time. People always refer to me as a boy, kid, teenager, etc. Getting called all that at 19, I can maybe understand but being a 27-year-old man and getting called all that, and being constantly carded by everyone and made a big issue about the fact that I still look like a kid/teenager can be pretty damn hurtful! I'll admit I'm thin and STILL haven't really grown into a man's body. I figure now being in my late twenties and that I still look this way...it's really never going to change much even in a few years when I'm 30 I try to eat more even though I have a decreased appetite due to my depression & anxiety. I still can't put on much weight due to my metabolism. Everything I eat goes right through me because of my nerves. It's almost impossible to gain any weight. I only weigh 146 pounds with shoes on and roughly 143 without. I used to weigh 155 or so but have recently lost weight due to my life situation/mental illness. I don't think I can handle another year living at home, still struggling with my career and lacking dating experience...I feel so worthless & pathetic. I really see myself as a complete & utter failure in life! I'm absolutely losing my mind and don't know how much more shit I can take. I feel like I've been cursed in life and am being punished somehow. I may still be living but feel absolutely dead inside

That is very very hard.

sorry to hear that you are still feeling so low. Would you go back to your doctors? demand they do something to help you, they need to be helping, its not fair for you to continue to feel this way. is there anything you are interested in?? hobbies??

I'm starting to think that I should have given this thread a better & more hopeful title. The fact is yes…things can and have got much worse for myself. Since the last post which was way back last summer, I kept thinking things have got to turn around for the better...they just have to. Well, I was wrong again. I have still been struggling to find employment...mainly in my area of expertise (social service work) but have been unsuccessful in my on-going efforts. My former employer who I was still on a sick leave with due to my physicians advise started hassling me to either go back to work on nights, which I couldn't as a result of several complicated issues (severe stress & anxiety, along with sleep & digestive as well as psychological problems) I could not. They made it quite clear to me that because I have been on an LOA as a result of my on-going health issues for such a long duration of time that I either go back or I must resign from my position. I couldn't go back to work but at the same time I didn't want to resign either. I just wanted to get well and hopefully either go back on days shifts only or find a new job in a new location and start a new life (which was obviously my first choice). Well, I had no other choice but to resign from my position last September but kept thinking that maybe things will work out for me...perhaps a really good job might come my way. I was wrong again, unfortunately. I had an interview as a child & youth worker in a new location...I was so excited & grateful at the same time. A long story short...this company really liked what I had to offer and was hired but denied employment because of medical issue that I have...they said I was not able to start this position for that reason. So basically, they discriminated against me, violated my human rights and denied me employment, which I am still in the process of taking them to a tribunal hearing to resolve this wrongful act on their behalf. They refused to issue me my NVCI training certification that was rightfully earned at my own expense, which was located at their facility in the process of being hired because I was technically no longer an employee with their organization, which was clearly no fault of my own and rather their corrupt actions that cost me my job. I was a complete mess during this time. I had a mental meltdown during that time and really haven't felt the same since. I kept thinking something just has to come up for me anytime now...a job will come through for me. It has now been six months since that time and in that time leading to now I have been having moderate to severe stomach/digestion problems that are mainly in the lower mid section of the stomach and rise up to the mid chest along with bad heartburn/chest pain. I have had these problems for the last couple years due to stress. I have been to emerg on numerous occasions and have been given a shot to help with the pain but never to this severity & frequency. The other issue I have been having which go along with my stomach pain is several episodes of diarrhea on a regular basis...sometimes it comes out like water or a very soft like consistency. I was up at emerg a few weeks back because of severe...and I mean severe...like ten out of ten on a pain scale. They had me hooked up to an iv, which I received several doses of morphine & gravel and was in their for a couple nights. I have had so many tests done...x-rays, ultrasounds, upper gi, urine & stool samples, and more blood work than you can shake a stick at…thankfully everything came back negative. I have eliminated dairy and other foods from my diet as a way to see if I'm possibly allergic to certain foods. It's been several weeks now and still haven't noticed any difference yet. I do have a colonoscopy scheduled for next week to hopefully rule out any possible complications like IBS, Crohn's Disease, Gastritis, etc. I am almost certain whatever I have (hopefully nothing severe) is more than likely due to long duration of on-going stress to my body. It has not only taken a toll on me psychologically & emotionally but also physically. I have tried to be strong for way too long...literally and I mean literally I have been through a good two consecutive years of severe & on-going stress. I guess I'll try to walk you through a typical day of my life...unless I have an appointment with my doctor, psychiatrist, or counsellor. I usually don't sleep much at night because I suffer from insomnia and take medication to help me sleep...sometimes the meds work, other times they don't. I usually don't fall asleep till around 3:00 to 6:00 in the morning...it varies. I either have broken sleep which I'm up in the middle of the night and can not go back to sleep or I finally pass out because of the medication & mental exhaustion. If I can get some sleep, I usually don't wake up till late morning or early afternoon because my whole time clock is out of whack. I usually wake up due to these stomach pains and more often than not have diarrhea first thing when I finally wake up. After that I take my meds for (depression & anxiety) then try to eat something that I can hopefully digest properly...usually a piece or two of dry toast (no butter) with some juice or a cup of tea (no milk). I always take the maximum dose of Gaviscon to help coat my stomach. I always feel as though I'm going to bring up whatever I eat...I have a lot of gas and burp up everything I consume. After my breakfast/lunch, I usually feel sick to my stomach like I'm going to vomit as well as these pains in my stomach & chest flare up, which I have no other choice but to lie down. I feel mentally & physically drained along with this pain and usually lie down just long enough for the pain to subside, which varies from day-to-day. After the pain subsides, I take over-the-counter pain medication to help get rid of the pain. I usually feel very sluggish & depressed but try so hard to look for a job and send out resumes. I really put a great effort into finding a job even though that's not the easiest thing with my energy level being so low, my stomach pain, as well as the fact that nobody seems to give me an opportunity for even an interview considering how hard I try. I have not had an interview in six months (the last place was the place that discriminated and denied me employment). After I complete my job search/sending out resume and following up with places (which usually tell me the same thing...we'll contact you if you're successfully selected)...I still haven't got a call from any place. I then get so frustrated & angry, that I either vent to the crisis hotline or my mother who I live with. It's not easy and I don't mean to vent all my problems to her or anyone else. Besides my mother and the crisis hotlines, I have absolutely nobody else. I have no significant other, no friends at all, or any other family member. They are completely non-empathetic/supportive, especially my brother & sister. They are both married, have their own families and actually do the exact opposite of being helpful & supportive...they actually hassle me about the fact that I’m still living at home in my late twenties and that I still don't have a job. That's the last thing I need is to be reminded of these things. I also struggle financially and am currently on public assistance, which I am not proud of at all and is a very limited amount. I always have to go into my savings to pay my monthly expenses, which is running short now but have recently applied for disability based on my current circumstance. I feel absolutely horrible about having to resort to this Sorry to get off track but after I vent to either my mom and/or the crisis hotline I usually get a pain flare up in the process, sometimes it burns or seems like a very sharp but contracting type of pain that I usually have to go to my bedroom and sit or lie on my bed till I feel a bit better both physically & emotionally. I then usually end up having diarrhea afterwards. I also forgot to mention that I usually have a fair bit of blood & pain in my rectum as I am wiping myself. It almost seems like hemorrhoids but I'll find that out next week. After that I usually have my evening meds and dinner which has been consisting of only soup & dry toast, which is the easiest on my stomach right now. After I eat, I always feel like vomiting and have lots of gas followed by these pain flare-ups in my stomach & burning in my chest. I then sit or lie down till the pain subsides until I'm ready to go to bed thinking...well another day come and gone and here I am. At the end of the day I feel completely worthless & hopeless about my future because here I am a grown man...27-years-old (turning 28 this summer)...a decade out of high school...two years out of my training for my second and current career attempt and still have no job with all my effort put into finding one and still haven't amounted to anything in life. I thought I would have been successful in my life by now and perhaps in a loving relationship with a woman, perhaps even engaged or married and I can't even get a date. I've tried online dating for the past few years with not too much luck at all. Even then, if someone really was interested in me, how could I date right now with my health problems. Even if or when the problems can be resolved...how many women would want to even date a man in his late twenties with no job and still lives at home with his mother? This whole employment issue has literally caused me a good two solid years of grief in my life, which in turn has held me back in life from where I should and would like to be as well as caused me additional health problems. These thoughts always race through my mind throughout the whole day but especially at night and can't seem to control them. I think anybody else in the same or similar position as I would be exactly the same way. I've tried to remain positive as much as I possibly can but how can anyone remain positive any longer and not think negative at this point, taking into consideration all the problems that exist? I'm really not asking for much...why can't someone just give me an opportunity? That's all I need to get out of this horrible, life threatening rut I always heard of rock bottom and never thought I would be on the bottom of the rock Everyday seems like a dream to me, not real at all...I'm going through all the motions...living my productive-less life with on-going health issues...and typing this post right now while feeling so hopeless to the point of thinking how much more can I take? What is the point of existing when my existence is a complete disappointment & disgrace in my view...and when I feel absolutely numb everyday and basically dead inside? How much more would anyone be able to go on like this?

Hi Lonelyguy, that's a harrowing story. I note you are getting government assistance, and I think with the breakdown (clearly a result of stress), perhaps you shouldn't be looking for work at this time, but should be seeking to heal by doing things that are low-stress but good for your soul. You need time - a lot of time - to heal.Have you considered voluntary work, for example? There's a lot of low-stress voluntary work about. Though it doesn't pay it will look good on your résumé in the future.

I went through your story and I would say that be happy, life is given once, you should enjoy your life, God is with you, and God is your real friend, believe in him and you would be given everything you want in your life.