Feeling stuck

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past few years i have been struggling with one single problem. "I know what I have to to do but I cant do it."i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant take a bath, i cant dress up, i cant even get up from the spot where i am sitting.its affecting my daily life so much that i have become isolated and locked up in room. i havent smiled for many weeks, i cant even cry or show any expression.i have tried to push myself to do something like cooking or knitting or even shopping...halfway i give up and return back to my room and lock myself.my lifestyle and personality has changed so much that is has shocked me. its the opposite of who i really am/was.i have always been antisocial and avoid events and places where there too many people but i never had a problem going shopping alone or having a walk in a park humming to myself or even going drinking alone. i always did what i wanted without worrying about what others thought and i was happy with it. i used to care about how i looked to please my own self and wore whatever i wanted without thinking about whats in or whats out (in fashion).i have trouble with food but i used to eat a healthy diet cuz i care about my health.also i used to be hyperactive and loved playing pranks, smiling and laughing all the time. crying when i felt sad.i was always confident and satisfied with myself.these are some points as an example. past few years i have been only going downwards and falling. i am not living my life like i used to, i dont have any expressions. i cant look at people including my parents in the face. i am even forgetting who i used to be and the me right now feels like a stranger. i love my parents and was very attached to them but recently they feel like strangers too.i dont know whats happening to me and i feel scared often. thoughts of suicide keep rushing in and out of my mind. mentally i am breaking down.i wana see my doc but i cant go, i wana take meds but i cant take them. its become a serious problem for me.i know i have to make effort to fix myself but somewhere i have lost the "will" and "motivation" which is making it harder for me. i already know if i dont take some action it wont get better but i cant take the first step.i already told my parents about it but my parents are having their own problems.this isnt the first time this has happened. back in 1992 i had a similar and even worse than the current situation and my parents helped me out of it. i did lose a part of memory back then and am missing about 1 yr of time. i recovered pretty well back then.it happened again in 1997-98 and i was taken to a doc and pulled out of school for treatment. i recovered a bit but not fully like about 40% recovery. major reason for not recovering properly was the fact that i couldnt go back to school and follow my dreams like i had planned to. its a thorn in my heart even today. my parents and my doc helped me back then.in 2003 it happened again cuz of my bf and i took a break from him thinking i needed time-out. i quit seeing my doc regularly and stopped the meds cuz i couldnt cope with the side effects. i wanted to make it on my own and i did a good job too. recovered about 60%, started studying, made friends online, learnt a lot of things to do. in 2006 it happened again cuz i got back with my bf and he treated me badly. i have been falling downwards since then i cant get back to my normal life and mentally i am breaking down. i broke up with him. he kept stalking me for years but i got him to quit just recently. i havent recovered even now and i am only falling. i even went to the place i loved the most in 2007 so i could get my spirit back, it kind of backfired on me making me lose hope. i have been struggling since then.i do know the main reason for these incidents which keep happening and break me down and make me feel dead. it always happens when i love some one and i lose someone i love. my doc has already told me to be careful with any relationships i have and to always ask his advice when something happens. me being in love or in a relationship just breaks me down more and more. this time it has affected me a lot mentally and physically as well. i am trying not to commit suicide cuz i have precious friends who keep giving me hope and strength. i am scared i will become immobile and die without the need to commit suicide the way i am currently living cuz it is unhealthy both mentally and physically.i hate the way i am right now, its not like me to be this way but i cant help myself or make an effort to take a step. just feeling stuck. i wish there was some one who could grab my hand and pull me out. i really dont like being holed up this way.depression is causing me to lack energy to take a step forward...i cant take the step forward, thats making me more depressed...its an endless loop. without external help i dont think i can break free of this on my own. for years now i am just stuck struggling, waiting and waiting. i cant move. i am not sad for losing some one actually i am happy and relieved that i dont have to be with some one. its really bothersome to be in a relationship since it affects me too much.i only want to go back to being myself. just go shopping like i used to, have fun like i used to. i wish my parents can help me one more time but since they have aged and not like they used to be its hard for me to rely on them for help. also they have did somethings that have really hurt me making my situation even worse than it was before.how long will i last? i wonder if i can pull through and recover this time...or will this be the end of me. this unhealthy lifestyle is already killing me from within. my body may not be able to cope with it for long.

Saya,Realizing that a problem exists is the first step to solving it. Clearly, though, this is something that you can't solve without some help. Why are you not able to see your doctor?We are here to listen, but we are not trained professionals. It is clear that is what you need.Keep talking to your friends here until you get that help.

i cant see my doc cuz...this may sound stupid to others but i cant spend more than 5-10 mins outside a room. my doc had already predicted something like this will happen some day and had told me to be careful.

i dont know when it started or how it happened but i have completely isolated myself to a level where i get irritated, annoyed, lose my temper, make any excuse to get back into my room and close the door. it has happened over couple years and it has already shocked me that i ended up this way.

i tried to keep the door open too but it makes me very uneasy. i tried going out of my room and play with my pup but i ended up back in my room after few minutes.

my mom keeps trying to get me out of my room for longer times but every time i end back in my room after few minutes. i can hear my pup calling me and whining to play with me...it hurts me so much but i cant open the door and play with him too much or be with my mom.

i keep calling my doc and make appointments but i always end up canceling them later cuz i cant go. i either fall asleep close to the appointment time or lock myself in my room and not come out until the time has passed. i dont even know why i do this. i told my parents to force me to see the doc cuz i cant do it myself but my parents didnt make an effort to take me to doc.

i got new furniture to arrange my room properly so i can organize my things but so far i have only got the stuff but havent organized it yet.

i have 3 other rooms which need to be cleaned and arranged but so far i have only piled things up and havent cleared anything. i dont have the energy to do it both physically and mentally.

it would only take me few hours to do it normally but i have it undone for years now. i feel disgusted with myself. i have things i want to do, things i have to do but i cant do them...its so frustrating.

honestly i have never been the one to be this lazy. my mom said "you are not like yourself, what is happening to you? i will do anything for you just go back to being yourself" others have also noticed the extreme change in my personality and lifestyle.

i need something like a rehab or bootcamp to get me back to normal. i also dont think normal ways will help me. someone has to force me to make the effort and my parents currently arent going to do that. in the past they forced me to help me recover but this time they have left me alone without helping me and also have made things worse.

i am wondering if they got tired of me :frowning: and maybe dont want me. i did ask mom if i should actually be alive and be here...if they need me. mom said they did and also that they will help but they havent helped me. they just let me do as i please and dont stop me from locking myself in my room.

they did try to feed me food when i didnt eat before but now they forget about me and even forget to make my portion of meal. guess i am not needed cuz i keep getting worse and not better. :cry:

also the worst part is my intelligence and memory seems to have stopped working. i dropped out studies again and again...make me feel stupid. i dont even have any confidence anymore which isnt like me.things i used to do and used to love...they hurt me now. i dont know how i ended up like this.i cant believe i forgot about the most important things and let go of things like this....its so frustrating. damn its not like me at all.i cant even play with my pup! makes me feel guilty and idiotic.

Hi Saya. There was a member here a few years back who had bad agoraphobia and couldn't leave his house. He is fine now, so it is something that can be overcome with time. Overcoming the depression and anxiety and getting more confidence and energy is something that can be done - in little stages, but it builds up.Does your doctor do house calls? He'll understand why it is necessary.

:frowning: he doesnt do house calls. earlier i told my mom i really need some help cuz i cant take it anymore. she said she will talk to my doc about it and get an appointment to see him. she may call my cousin over to help me go to my doc's office (he will only be there so i wont run away).

Pete i have hated crowded places but i have never felt like isolating myself like this. i did have mild agoraphobia since i was a kid but it never stopped me from going out or having fun or playing with other kids (only few selected ones) when i wanted to. i dont even know what i am suffering from anymore. i have a bunch of mental issues and they have piled up real big...kinda crushing me.

i wrote a letter to my doc, mom is gonna meet my doc for me. i have noted down everything i thought was important. my doc already knows about me since i have been seeing him for 14 years now. thats all i can do for now and wait for him to send me my meds. after i have become a little stable i think i will go for weekly visits. i just wana get better soon. sadly there are no shortcuts to get well soon

I'm very glad of this.

This sounds like a good plan.

got an appointment on wednesday >.< just waiting now for response from my doc and new prescription. wish me luck.

I hope it's the start of a big improvement!

i hope so too Pete. i am still scared about taking meds again as they havent really helped me but made things worse for me before. i am worried about the drugs doc will prescribe me.

i got my prescription and mom said the doc was smiling when he read my letter. i had written in mostly using medical terms to avoid rambling. (-__-) why did my doc smile? argh...he also told my mom that i will get better very soon cuz according to him i am in a more stable state than i was years ago since i am controlling my anger and not breaking things or screaming. mom said he gave her a lot of advice too. i just hope the meds work well and side effects will be low.

Perhaps he smiled because you fulfilled a prediction of his. Perhaps he smiled because he was pleased with your progress.

i think he smiled for two reasons. 1- my letter which was like an article out of a medical book >.< 2- my progress.

In your case you have to do some patience because all your problems need to solve everything will be fine soon. Try to do some Cardio exercise it will help you to feel good and stay healthy but starts with light exercise.