I don't know what to do. As I've probably mentioned before, I have astraphobia to a pretty severe extent, if I so much as even know there's going to be a storm within a few days, I start having anxiety issues, so on and so forth.
When it does storm, high winds, or thunder. Lightning in the distance even, I have breathing issues, anxiety issues, sweating. All that fun stuff, it gets bad sometimes to the point it physically hurts. And I always get a mentality I just can't shake.
No matter what I tell myself or know better, as soon as I see it darken up and storm, I feel like it's the end. Nothing more after the storm. That there will be no tomorrow. It could have something to do with lightning striking by my close enough to physically hurt me (twice, once I was 6 and when I was 16 I think) but it fucks with me.
It's got me to the point, I can't even bring myself to try to get a job anywhere I have to drive to because I have a retarded fear that if it storms and I get stuck, I'll get struck or something.
My girlfriend thinks I should try to get on disability, but honestly. My own family doesn't seem to believe my problems even exist, despite seeing me curled up in a corner shaking and sweating. during storms. and when I tried to commit suicide, the therapists never actually could pinpoint a problem with me so they literally said they thought I was fine and released me from rehab ON the day I said I would kill myself (The anniversary day that a girl I liked from a young age was raped on and nobody did shit about it) So I don't see me being able to get on disability. And I'm afraid of trying to get put on meds for my anxiety, and I know they'll put me on something if I tried to get disability.
When I was young, my friend gave me a bottle of their anti depressants. (as any of you who remember me i've been on here about my depression for years) I don't know the brand, but they told me how much I should take, and I was depressed as fuck, so I did it. They didn't help me in the slightest. So I'm already dubious about trying to get put on them.
I understand different things work for different people, but my brother was in the military and the military decided he needed to be on anti depressants and shit (When he didn't) just because they found him wandering around derping out when he was drunk off his ass in Korea (Because he has drinking problems, not depression.) And they anti depressants made him psychotic, so. Thanks to the military putting him on anti depressants, he now needs anti psychotics too! Oh joy.
So of course, I don't want to try to get on disability and them put me on something that fucks over my life like it did his. Even though now he gets a nice 2000 dollar check, because of military disability. I don't feel like giving up what little sanity I have for a check, nope not gonna happen.
But in the meantime, I feel so stuck in life. literally too fucking scared to get a job, or to do shit. Because of a little stormy weather, and while I could get it while the weather was nice. It'd be meaningless, because I'd get fired because I couldn't get myself out of the house if there was a week of stormy weather.
So fuck, what do I do? Can't get a job, can't get disability. Also, have horrid depression, been suicidal for years. And honestly would have probably offed myself forever ago.
Except, I'm a nutjob who, is terrified of pain with and incredibly high pain tolerance, and back in the past I tried to off myself several times that should have been successful, and it barely even slown me down.
The only two things that has kept me alive for the past 10 years is. 1 my fear of pain, and 2. the fear that nothing I do will actually successfully off me, but instead worst case scenario putting me into a vegetative state where I get to live out my years in fear, yet not being able to do ANYTHING.
I thought about the whole bullet to the brain, but have a fear I'd miss and hit a part of my brain that vegetates me but wouldn't kill me, I thought about stepping infront of a train, but had a fear the vibrations would knock me over before it could hit me and just take my legs off. Allowing me to survive in misery. And I know people personally who have drank a gallon of bleach and washed down a few hundred extra strength tylenol that did nothing more than make them sick for about a week.
So yeah, fuck that shit. I want to die, not live in misery. Though I'm ok with an alternative where I can somehow live peacefully. But to be honest, that's only been within the last year. And that's only because there's a small handful of people I've met who need me.
God, I feel like a mess. The Phobia filled useless suicidal sack of potatoes that still manages to some how be needed. Fuck.
I don't even know where to begin, therapy was useless, rehab was useless. Suicide was useless. Shit, what am I supposed to do =/ Vent I guess, and hope there's someone out there to hear me who can suggest a solution.