Having a problem

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Just recently I am having a problem having sexual activities with my girlfriend, We've been going out for about 4 months and things were great. I'm 28 and I think i am having anxiety on performance issue. It is more because we were having sex one time and for some reason i couldnt keep my erection. The next time over the same thing happen because I had thought about the previous experience. What are some ways of getting over this issue? Even when im on my own time, Im watching porn it is still hard for me to sustain and good erection, and when that happens I think of the sex experience with my girlfriend and i go soft. And now im really afraid of having intercourse with my girlfriend when she comes back from her trip. I;m afraid the same thing might happen again. Im really insecure about this problem and afraid that it will drive her away. I know there is more than sex to a relationship, but in a relationship there has to be sex also. I just cant get a grip of whats really going on. I'm worried too much about performing in the bed, my penis size 5-5.5", giving her pleasure, comparing myself to her past. just small things like that gets to my head and I cant clear it out. Can someone please help? Thanks in advance and much appreciated.

@FML Welcome to A2A. We are glad that you have posted.

I think you have probably diagnosed things quite well. I agree that your issue is performance anxiety. Nobody knows the real reason that you had a problem in the first place. But, we guys, always assume it's because we're not "measuring up". The reality is that at 5 to 5.5 inches you are within the normal range. albeit at the low end. But still normal. The thing is, though, that if the truth were known, she's not concerned so much about the size of your penis as she is the guy that it's attached to-and you shouldn't be concerned about your size either.

So how do you deal with performance anxiety? The best way that I have found is to not think about it. The next time you have a chance to be intimate, go into it with your mind set that you will not be having intercourse. Just enjoy her body and let her enjoy yours. Lay naked with her and talk about what you mean to each other (and how glad you are that she's back from wherever she was). You'll be surprised when all of a sudden things begin happening. It may not happen the first time, or even the second or third. But, when you least expect it...

@readytogo Thanks for replying! I understand its easier said than done, I've tried not thinking about the problem before and its hard not to. It takes one little thought about it and it just feeds on to it. This slump is even making it hard to get a boner watching porn without thinking about my problem. lol. I guess i'll have to see how it goes when she comes back. Maybe you can answer this question, does watching porn and masturbating kills sex drive (like a lot)? In my mind i wanna have sex, but my body doesn't? does that even make sense? THanks!

You need to go into this with the attitude that getting to the point of erection when aroused is a process and not an overnight fix (Wouldn't it be great if it was?). Focus on what you have when you are with her, rather than what you would like. You are correct that it is not easy, and it will take some time.

I would definitely suggest that you try to eliminate masturbation while you are experiencing the problem getting and maintaining an erection. A healthy male your age craves sexual satisfaction--in one form or another. If your body is sexually satisfied by one means, it is less likely to look for release by another.

The answer to your question about porn is a bit more complicated. Some guys just get hornier when exposed to porn. and for some that will satisfy their sexual needs. I would suggest, though, that you might want to stay away from porn and let your body realize that you have only one sexual interest. Concentrate your arousal there.

@readytogo Yeah you're right. I need to be optimistic about this situation and get over it. Yeah ever since it happened, all I've been focusing/thinking is trying to get an erection and maintaining it. Would you suggest trying to eliminate masturbation or touching myself and watching porn for a while? I'm sure this situation is worse than what it should be, its just pops up in the back of my head every once in a while, and i cant get it out. I just gotta focus on positive thoughts. By any chance have you ever experience anything like that? if you did what did you do or how did you overcome situations like that? Thanks!

I would suggest eliminating any type of sexual stimulation that does not involve her. Your body will react to any type of sexual stimulation that it receives. Save it all for her.

I made an assumption early on in this thread, and I shouldn't have. The assumption was that your inability to maintain your erection was only when you were attempting to have intercourse. If, however, you also have the problem while masturbating, then the problem may be a physical one (like diabetes) and no amount of abstinence will cure it. In this case, you should see your doctor.

@readytogo i dont have a problem masturbating. It s when i'm masturbating somehow someway i think about having the problem when im having intercourse and i go soft.

Since you have no problems when you are alone, try following the suggestions laid out earlier. Be sure, though, that you are absolutely sure that you will have complete privacy. The fear of getting caught can also lead to problems. Just take it slow and easy.

Here are some simple and easy ways to help you last longer in bed:

1. Try with Kegels

Before you try anything else, start doing Kegels. Kegel is an exercise that can help you strengthen your pelvic muscles. Stronger pelvic muscles can be a great asset when it comes to controlling your ejaculations. In order to do a kegel, try to stop urine midstream. The muscle that you contract to do so is called the PC muscle. Try to squeeze it for 5 seconds before releasing it. Begin with doing 10-15 repetitions of this exercise and gradually increase both the squeezing time as well as repetitions.

Within a few weeks, you will notice a great difference in both your erection hardness and ejaculatory control.

2. Try To Think of Something Else

This is a technique that a lot of men use. While having intercourse think of something else such as your football match or your old grandmother etc. Thinking of something can remove your focus from thrusting and it can ease out tension so that you are able to last longer.

3. Use Double Condoms

Using a condom itself can be a big help in helping you overcome premature ejaculation. Direct skin to skin contact is immensely pleasurable resulting in high excitement during intercourse that can make you ejaculate quickly. Wearing a condom on your penis can reduce this pleasure a little bit and make you last longer. If you are still not able to hold back, put on two condoms and this should give you better control.

4. Devote More Time to Foreplay

When in bed, do not rush things. Take you time warming up to the real act. Women love having foreplay. Spend some time kissing, fondling and cuddling her. This can help build up excitement too and can make your erection even harder. The harder your erection is longer would you be able to last.

5. Try Tribulus Terrestris

Tribulus Terrestris is a herb that is native to countries like Indonesia and Malaysia. It is commonly used in Chinese and Indian medicine systems to help cure sexual problems in men. One of the most important properties of tribulus is that it is highly effective for enhancing testosterone levels in men. More importantly, it is particularly effective in improving your ejaculatory control. It can do wonders for your erections hardness too.

6. Try to Control Your Breathing

Breath control is extremely important to improve your ejaculatory control. Just when you think that you are close to the point of no return, stop and take a deep breath. Hold your breath for a few seconds before releasing it. Try it for a few times before starting again. This technique can help reduce tension and buy you more time in bed.

You can also learn yoga to improve your breath control.

7. Try a Delay Spray

One of the most effective ways to last longer is with the help of a delay spray. Such sprays have been getting more and more popular with an ever-increasing number of men trying them. Such a spray consists of a mild anesthetic that makes the nerves in your penis head less sensitive. Thus, it can make you last longer during intercourse.

@uadialej Welcome to A2A. Your post contains several good suggestions. I was not familiar with tribulus terrestris. A web search seems to indicate that there is not much concrete evidence of the efficacy of the herb, when used for sexual problems.

I caution strongly, however, that use of two condoms at once to reduce erogenous feelings during sex frequently leads to failure of the condoms and does not provide the protection that you might think that it would.. It is never a good idea to double up with condoms. The friction of the two rubbing together leads to a degradation of both condoms.The desensitizing spray is a much better solution