"that often wives need to meet their husbands halfway"That goes both ways...it's not always the wife
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Considering an affair
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"That goes both ways...it's not always the wife"
Oh, I totally agree. I just meant that to say it's usually the wife who isn't interested in any sex at all. I have married friends who have the same problem. They're turned away. It also seems that in their cases, their girlfriends was into sex before they became 'wife'.
I'm just trying to understand when and why it changes.
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Sound like a Chris Rock special that I watched a while ago!
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pardon my paraphrasing, but I think it might have been Mark Twain that said..."when the bed is good, the marrage is good"My horrible memory aside, the question is... Is a lack of physical intimacy THE problem of a symptom of the problem?btw, I also suggest avoiding infadelity!
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You can't say it's usually the wife...your friends are males, you can't base it on that...that's biased. There are plenty of women who have affairs because their husband shows no interest.
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true
I think, though, that women have affairs due to emotional needs more often than physical needs. -
You're right, Amanda. Didn't mean to make it sound as if it's ONLY the husbands who complain about no sex. Men tend to be much more physical though.
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Amanda are you a feminist? He didn't say it was men only for a second:
In reply to:
"that often wives need to meet their husbands halfway"
That goes both ways...it's not always the wife
Well DUH, and this guy it meeting his husband half way. He's had two kids even though she hasn't been fulfilling him since 2 months after they got married.
Stop jumping on the off-topic feminist band wagon and making redundant comments just because you're over secure.
Moderate me if you want.
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I hear so often from married guys about the sex fading after just a couple months after marriage. I wonder why that is? As much as I'd love to say "Don't cheat!" I also think (I'm new here, but feel free to flame away)... that often wives need to meet their husbands halfway. I think sex is important to a healthy relationship. I find it odd that they don't even WANT to bring their husband pleasure. Sure raising a family isn't easy and squeezing in sex can be tricky, but surely you can find a way if there's a will.Jeez are you pmsing. In that paragraph it clearly only states talking about men. Maybe he/she meant both ways but its only saying he and husband. Why are you so mad that she said that? Don't call Amanda these names.
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But it's a redundant statement. Meeting half way implies compromise, perfect symmetry in the raltionship. Therefore amanda's comment was totally pointless, because a woman meeting hal way means a man is as well.
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Anyway, back to your question - did you try talking about this with your wife? your problem is really with your wife, so doesn't it make sense to go to her first? before you go and hurt your wife and children just because you can't "stand being horny anymore"? i doubt you really want to do that. exhaust all options within the marriage before divorcing and going outside the marriage to fix the situation. (and before anyone shoots my input down b/c I'm a woman, the biggest proponent of this idea is dr phil - a man.)it is interesting how much we are sold the notion that men seperate sex from emotion but women tie them together... when the truth is that might not necc be true as the OP is showing... being rejected sux mightily whether you are a man or woman... maybe we are not as different as people love to say we are.
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Someone isn't getting any...
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I guess, it all has to do with you and your wifes "beleifs" about sex. IS it something that is "fun" or is it something that is totally intimate, and personal, and should stay between just you two. I have seen marriages where one or the other stepped out and it totally saved the marriage, because the sexual tension was taken care of, but there were so many other goals that the couple had together that they could enjoy after the "neglected one" got some. However these were couples who were closer in so many other ways, and sex to BOTH of them was (for lack of better wording) just an extra-curicular activity. On the other hand I have seen it TOTALLY blow up a marriage. And of course, the cheating spouse got the whole social thrashing, because of the sneaking, lying and all that. It totally depends on the people in the relationship. No recomendations here besides what everyone else already said...REALLY CONSIDER IT ALL first!And oh ya! If you do decide to go get some somewhere else...be safe about it, your wife may be ok with an affair, but may kill ya if she gets some std!
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I know you said you've been the therapist route, but have you been to a liscensed Marriage and Family Therapist? They work magic.I agree that you should not have an affair. If you get nowhere with your wife, leave her. I too believe that both spouses have an obligation to meet the sexual needs of the other (within reason). If she refuses to have sex at all, that is certainly grounds for divorce. I know you're worried about your kids, but it's a lot easier on children when their parents get divorced because "the marriage isn't working out" than because Daddy had an affair and things got ugly. Besides, unless you live in a state with no-fault divorces, if you have an affair and then get divorced, wifey has you by the balls.At any rate, I feel nothing but sympathy for you. I believe adultery is flat out wrong, but guys like you help me understand how it becomes an easy option.Hang in there pal.
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i just took another look at your posting. i don't know how I missed what you said about having tried therapy. but a lot of what I said still stands. there has got to be other options for you - mutual massage, sex therapy, a "second honeymoon" trip, a night at a hotel (with your wife) etc.
ive heard of women who become mothers and after awhile, start losing their desire for sex, or start feeling less desirable. somehow in their minds once they become mothers they don't feel like they can be sexual anymore. and they don't want to feel that way, often these women want help. could that be the problem? you don't have to tell us, but this is the kind of stuff you should be discussing with your wife. i just feel like, from what you have told here, this is fixable if you both do your part. even if she turns away from you, please don't turn away from your wife.
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In reply to:I know you're worried about your kids, but it's a lot easier on children when their parents get divorced because "the marriage isn't working out" than because Daddy had an affair and things got ugly. I totally agree.
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I agree too, but it's very difficult on someone, not being able to get sex from anyone but the spouse, and not getting it from the spouse either. Counselling can't do magic if the problem is very different sex drives, which it often is.
The best I can suggest for skinnerguy is that he tries his best to help his wife get relaxed - stress is a great passion-killer for women. (Men, on the other hand, tend to use sex to relieve stress.)
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After the birth of my last child, who is now 6, I totally went off sex for a number of reasons, stress, tiredness etc, but also I felt that all the bits of me that once turned me on, were wrapped in cotton wool and i didn't enjoy sex anymore......this lasted for a couple of years - I feel terrible now thinking how i would lay there and hope that he 'got it over with' - to be honest sex for me then was less important than doing the dishes - so i can understand where your wife is coming from. Me and my fiance have always been brutally honest with eachother about everything, and managed to work through this time, tho I still feel guilty for what i put him through - if he had had an affair, i KNOW that we wouldn't be getting married this year.....he actually says that since he had to put sex on the back burner so to speak that it made him appreciate me and our relationship in other ways.Now, well we have sex every day, sometimes twice, so just cos your wife feels like this now, doesn't mean its going to last. There must be a reason why your wife isn't into having sex - finding the reason will sort out the problem, or at least go some way to solving it.
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FWIW, I do my best to make my wife comfortable. We split cooking, dishes, and cleaning, but I do all the laundry and make all the bottles; in addition to obvious things like paying the rent and taking care of her car. Even though I have to get up very early for school every day, I stay up late (sometimes very late) with my daughter who has reflux just so my wife can go to sleep at 9-9:30 every night. The no sex thing has gone on since way before we had kids - in fact the "procreational sex" was very planned and scheduled. If we just hoped she would get pregnant accidenctally by not using birth control it is highly unlikely we ever would have had any kids. Every rare once in the while she is in the mood, and then it is good - but is once or even twice a week really too much to ask for in a marriage? She refuses to take birth control since the sex is rare, during those rare times I am obligated to wear a condom to have sex with my own wife, but that is a whole other issue. A man my age should not have to deal with blueballs on a regular basis.
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If there's no emotional connection, then you can't expect a physical one...have you actually sat down with a GOOD therapist and talked about the emotional relationship?
