Destroying my confidence

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Okay, i realize a teenager's problems are never too interesting to people so unless you're in the mood to help, feel no need to stick around. If ya are willing to help me out id really appreciate it though.Okay, where to begin. Well, my life is pretty f**ked up right now. Aside from my dad dying, getting bad grades and having a virtually no money situation. Before you offer me advice on working out those things before worrying about girls, please keep in mind that i am dealing with those problems. What im posting about is my inability to communicate with the opposite sex.See, when i was in grade school and all the other kids where blooming socially, i didnt really try with girls. I was 9, going on 10, and assumed i could worry about that later. I was a very happy kid until a girl came along, gestured for me to ask her out and then intentionally stood me up just to be spiteful. That really hurt me deep. Girls, a word of advice: if you're ever thinking of 'messing' with a guy by asking him out when youre not really interested, take a step back. It is really, really evil and it has caused me nothing but problems since it happened on one occasion, 5 years ago ( im 14, almost 15 )I became part of the 'hardcore gamer' scene until before i turned 14. My first few years of high school ( i live in the uk, theres no junior high ) where based on neglecting having a social life. Since i wasnt too bothered about it in my nice grade school i didnt think of going after girls for a while during high school either. I had a few friends, but eventually my baser instincts took over. I wanted better friends, i wanted a girlfriend, and i wanted to go out. I now have a great group of really kickass friends, who conviniently hang out with a group of amazingly hot girls. I have a social life, albeit not a perfect one, and for a while i was relatively happy. However, because of my lack of making attempts with girls, i had no idea as to how to ask one out. Picture it this way: guys love me ( in a platonic sense ) my friends think im hilarious, i get invited to everything and when it comes to dudes im pretty sociable, but girls are so different. Im relatively attractive ( ill post a pic soon ) but even i know that a big factor is how you carry yourself so that shouldnt matter. While im fairly confident around guys, with girls im pretty hopeless. Also, i tend to show off. Ive never been great at talking to people i dont know well. With my friends its all 'whatever'. We talk about wrestling, food, random crap, whatever, its all fine, but when i meet a new person im always nervous. I make too many jokes, and i make a bad first impression, especially with girls. Ive gotten better over the weeks, i can make girls laugh, hold a conversation, some have pinched my ass and played with my hair ( i spike it up a lot, girls seem to like that ) but its still an extremely difficult subject when it comes down to it. I never really know what to say, i can never be myself, and in the end a girl is never thinking of me as a potential date, but moreso as that 'funny guy they sometimes talk to' and that for me will never be enough to get a girlfriend. Another problem worth mentioning is that when i talk to more than one person i never know who to look in the eyes; do i look at them both as i talk? At one person/ At one, then the other? How intently do i stare? It gives off a slightly 'weirdo' vibe. As you probably well know, a girl will not go out with a guy who only makes jokes and acts hyper. However cute they think it is, they wont consider me as a boyfriend. What, am i going to take you to the mall and make a bunch of jokes? Then lunch, and more jokes? Should i make jokes as we make out? Its too difficult for me. Also, im really really really crazy about this one girl. I see her in lots of my classes and at lunch so theres lots of chances to talk but im not making good use. She says hi to me, we talk sometimes and i figured if i worked at it i might have a shot but shes clearly crazy about this other guy. Ive had huge crushes before and this isnt a 'passes after a month' thing, this is a peter parker cant stop thinking about mary jane thing ( and no, im not a geek, i just happen to know spider man ) and more than anything i want to tell her how im practically in love with her and how i want to ask her out, but come on, how would she react? She would just be nervous, and i dont know what to do anymore. I mean, she asked this one guy if he liked her, im kinda hoping for that opportunity. I just dont know how to hint it well enough. Also, when im around her my showing off goes crazy and all i do is pitch joke after joke in the hopes that she will laugh and take an interest in me. To be fair, she does laugh, but that will never be enough. Other guys seem to be so calm and confident, they just grin and make girls laugh and the girls hug and kiss them, and i really want that. I really do. Like i said im fairly popular and can be myself around guys, just not girls. its becoming a massive problem. Please consider all my probs before you make a response. Thanks very much and have a great day.-SF

In reply to: As you probably well know, a girl will not go out with a guy who only makes jokes and acts hyper. However cute they think it is, they wont consider me as a boyfriend. What, am i going to take you to the mall and make a bunch of jokes? Then lunch, and more jokes? Should i make jokes as we make out? That is exactly what I do and its fine! As long as your jokes don't become boring its alright. I don't like having a "serious" relationship. It can't be all "I love you I love you I love you", you have to make things fun.From the way you describe yourself, even if you don't think so, you seem like a very likable person and I wouldn't be surprised if one or two (if not more) of those girls secretly like you. Now we haven't seen what you look like, which I won't lie does make a difference, but when people get to know each other as friends it becomes a lot less of an issue. I'd say take your pick.

bump
is bumping allowed? if not then sorryy

It depends, what the hell is bumping?

Try talking to younger girls. I noticed that I feel a WHOLE LOT more confident when talking to girls that are younger than me. As a matter of fact, my current girlfriend is still in 8th grade (I'm in 9th grade). Oh, and I'm a gamer too (still play too ). I've played 2 seasons of CALintermediate for Counter-Strike version 1.6 . But I doubt any of you know what that is :P

Joking is a common way of trying to cover up fear and insecurity, and it can be useful. When a person who usually jokes around becomes himself instead with someone, it gives a strong and good impression. Do try it. Of course there are dangers - being yourself makes you more vulnerable, and you no longer are slick and smooth; but it's worth it. Don't worry, there is no "right" thing to say.I'm really sorry about your dad dying. That's hard. Be upfront with girls about it. Don't be scared to talk about it. And mentioning your money problems now will save embarrassment later. Remember most of all that girls like a good, appreciative, attentive listener.

In reply to:As you probably well know, a girl will not go out with a guy who only makes jokes and acts hyper. However cute they think it is, they wont consider me as a boyfriend. What, am i going to take you to the mall and make a bunch of jokes? Then lunch, and more jokes? Should i make jokes as we make out? This is how I got my wife, or any other girl I ever went out with for that matter.

I was one kill away from the CPL

i think ive expressed the problem wrong. See, the main problem now is getting this one girl i like to talk to me. I mean, i never know what to say, im usually funny but i can never make her laugh when i need to, it makes me feel worthless. If im not confident, how do i fake it?

I think you should stop trying to make her laugh. It's not working for her. You might find it works better to drop all the acts and just speak directly from your heart.

well see, shes a really friendly person. She laughs all the time around other guys.

So she laughs at other guys but not you?

Yeah, but see, i can make most girls laugh. I have female friends to whom i feel no sexual magnetism. If they where to proposition me for sex i would turn them down without the slightest hesitation, not because of their looks, but because there is no desire for them in me. With those friends, i am my funniest, most confident and most fun. I have made them piss themselves with laughter using no effort at all. But with the girl i like, i go numb. I am not funny. I am unconfident, uninteresting, and clearly desperate. To her, going out with me would be like choosing rape over a warm bath. But i know if i could get my confidence up when im around her id be as funny as i am in the presence of my female friends. Hell, if i could have done that when i met her a few months ago we'd be dating now. I guarantee it. What i need help with is containing these feelings when im around her, to stop feeling anxious and attracted to her and to talk to her like she was a friend instead of somebody who i wanted to bang. Please?

just an update for anyone followin my 'progress' i think im gettin slightly better at this. in one lesson i went from 'guy she sometimes talks to and is kinda annoying' to 'slightly funny guy who she might say hello to on the street'score!

Wow, this can somewhat relate to me. Im probably the funniest person around and can joke at whatever comes up. Its just only to certain people. To my brother or better yet, A FEW of my friends, i can make them laugh so long and hard that they think im the funniest person. NOW just like YOU, when i see girls I like or friends i want to be with I competely go stupid. I say things that i wish i didnt say at all. I can NEVER use my full fun potiental to those people i want to be with.A very good example is my friend. Ive known him for awhile and in class, hes halarious. Like 1 of the funniest person ive met. I know who he likes because he blushes all the time whenever the girl is beside him. (AND SO DO I, SO YOU LUCKY PEOPLE WHO DONT BLUSH ARE DAMN LUCKY! SURIOUS) Anyways, when the girl goes near him, he starts blushing and says the UNFUNNIEST things and actually rude things. Now sometimes I actually feel real bad for him cause the girl thinks hes just a loner and isnt funny at all, but deep inside, hes the funniest guy i know. So yeah......... I know your pain very well.

You have to go get it. They aren't gonna hike up their skirt and sit on your lap without some type of invitation.

I'm saying this because I was a chicken. In gradeschool, I was the little dirty kid in the corner. (Not that I was dirty, I just
went to a private academy even though my family wasn't in the big money. I didn't have a nanny, nor did I wear the expensive handmade leather Coach belts. I had parents who would rather have worked extra long hours and driven pile of junk cars, than deny their children teh best education money could buy.)

When I finally started noticing girls, in that "special" way I was very young, and therefore, I didn't want to dare act on any feelings I had. By doin this, I taught myself to shut-up and never engage socially with them. This made me a tad bit backwards.

I stayed backwards all throgh gradeschool, and at age 14 when I entered highschool, I was still very shy around girls. I never went to any dances, nor did I ever get into any of the cliches in my class. I was not a loaner, there were others like me, but (I guess we were the nerds, huh?) it felt very depressing to never speak what I felt, because I never thought I measured up. Even in highschool, as I got older, got a car, made lots of new friends, I never once asked a girl out, or made any type of motion to show my feelings for a girl.
I think I just shut down, and stayed that way. I reasoned myself into thinking that I wasn't ready, and alone I stayed. A few times, girls showed interest, and in big ways. I was too shy to ever do anythign about it. I didn't even hug a girl until I was 19 years old. I gave myself major problems.
It wasn't until I was in college that I decided to break myself. I got so depressed I lost unhealthy amounts of weight. I swore to myself that I was going to do whatever it took to get to cuddle with a girl. I was so incredibly deprived that I dreamt of just hugging a girl. I couldn't think of anything better than to cuddle, to fall asleep with a girl, and to wake up beside her... no sex involved.

Eventually, I did figure it out. It was so simple looking back. it was incredibly easy... It just took a few seconds to confirm whether or not a girl was intersted in me, and once it was confirmed, it wasn't long after that I found myself in a serious relationship and doing all kinds of things that I only thought porn stars and superheroes did.

In fact, if you miss an opportunity now, you might not get a second chance later. I have only been fortunate once.
There was one girl who I could have swore hated me, or teased me behind my back, admitted that she had sexual fantasies about me back in highschool. I didn't find this out until I was 8 years out of highschool. (and yes, I did have an amazing night of meaningless sex with her, after she confessed)

Just get a moment alone, or semi-alone with the girl. Ask her what she thinks of you, more than just friends. If she says that would be impossible, or laughs, then you know, and you don't have to worry anymore. If she says more than friends might be fun, then good!

Eminem: "Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip? "

In reply to:It was so simple looking back. it was incredibly easy... It just took a few seconds to confirm whether or not a girl was intersted in me, and once it was confirmed, it wasn't long after that I found myself in a serious relationship and doing all kinds of things that I only thought porn stars and superheroes did.That was a pretty big leap. ("How do I become rich? First, get a million dollars...")Would you elaborate on how to know if a girl is interested (or not) in you?

I've read this thread a few times trying to think of ways you could get this girl. Well, with all this thought, knowing she doesn't really find you amusing, maybe she's just not into you. I don't want to sound rude, but you might be spinning your wheels.On the flip side, if there is a chance with her but are not confident with yourself and your humor around her, you might want to joke with others around her. Not with her. If you are as funny as you say, she will probably take notice. Obviously you are more comfortable joking with your friends. Stick with it, but around her.Looks usually comes first when I meet a man. But the second most important thing to me is a sense of humor. I love to laugh and try to surround myself with funny people.Lighten up on yourself. In fact, she may find you more interesting watching you and your actions rather than you talking directly to her. After time, you will feel more comfortable around her and then you won't choke on a good joke or jab.

I thought I made it pretty clear. ask...That's all.just ask...You don't need a pick-up line, and you don't need to coerce her. In fact, pick up lines are the dumbest idea on the planet. If you can't say with some type of certainty that she might be interested in giving you a shot, then you probably aren't gonna have a shot. You need to believe to receive. if you believe in yourself, you will have better chances. Girls like confidence, good sense of humor, looks, and class. Class- I don't know of any girl who would be interested in dating a neo-nazi, or a gay-basher, or someone who is constantly ripping others apart. Show some class, be respectful, and get attention in a good way. Getting attention by giving the fat kid a wedgie in the hall is probably not a turn-on for girls. Oh yeah, and dance. you don't have to be like a turbo dancing freak, but shake it a bit, and relax. Girls like dancing, they relate it to sex for some reason. If you have any opportunity, give her a show. Also, while I am clarifying for Steve, whom could have gave some advice, rather than asking more questions. One of the best things to do is establish personal contact. be it a simple hand touch to the shoulder while talking (I've seen a lot of arm grabbers lately) to them, or if walking beside them, put an arm around them briefly. It will get you eye contact. and speaking of...EYE CONTACTher eyes are on her face, not her chest. If you can't look at her eyes, how will you be able to say to her, "your ___ (soft touches, lightly lipped kisses, gentle massages... keep these in mind for later...In the meantime, talk to her. find out what she likes in guys. If you said she likes this one other guy(I can't remember where I read that, I thought it was here), and she keeps talkign about him, ask her what it is she likes about him. If she has a crush of her own, it's likely she won't be willing to give you a shot. Otherwise, play with her about her crush. timing is key... don't just out of the blue ask her why she likes him, that would freak her out! Just, sometime when she is rambling about him, just ask her why he's such a hot piece of man-meat.example... (and I am going out on a major limb, I can't even remember if you said she did like another guy)If she says she likes him because he has blonde hair, then pretend to pull out a note and say, "Note to self: dye hair blonde to make (insert girl's name here) think I'm sexy."make sure you smile and put a face on for her. Otherwise, you might creep her out. that might be incredibly corny... a different approach, just ask her why you aren't her crush. see what she has to say, and if it looks hopeless, let it go, find something else with boobs and a heartbeat (heartbeat optional if you are desperate).Or... Ask her if she wants to see what you bring to the party, then whip it out and smack her in the forehead with it. (NO NO NO Just KiDDING!) Honestly though, If any of that doesn't illicit some reaction, I don't know what will. Also, that's about as close to a pick-up line as you shoudl ever get. Don't go beyond that, anything else(including what I just wrote above) is pretty corny, and corny doesn't work. Also, keep in mind that I am a dinosaur. I don't know what the kids are doing these days. Things I say might not work for you, but if you wanna get one of your 25-35 y/o teacher's into bed, I could help. Oh, and also, to answer your question about "how to fake confidence," you can't. It can't be done. If you feel your confidence is shot, find a decently hot girl that you never talk to, and let her know she wants you. Tell her it's ok to not hold back, she can have her way with you. If you don't think that will give you an adrenaline rush, you're in for a surprise. be cocky around some girls that are incredibly hot and slightly older. no harm, no foul if you actually do end up with one of the girls, right? heh heh... If you think you are not confident enough, let her know. Tell her you get nervous around her. She'll probably ask you why, and you can tell her that you think she's cute and all that. You know how to take care of the ladies, I'm sure.Steve, is this better?

Also, while I am clarifying for Steve, whom could have gave some advice, rather than asking more questions.Sorry, I'll need a raise in salary before I listen to that sort of thing.> Steve, is this better?You've done swimmingly, in a verbose way.