Help - I want to say 'Good-Bye' to someone

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Hi Everyone!! Growing up - I was 'taught' [By an alcoholic father and an extremely co-dependent mother] that I am responsible for how people feel and for the choices they make. I was taught that I must sacrifice MY feelings - regardless of the cost to ME - to make or keep someone 'happy'. I was taught that I had the power to cause someone to commit suicide. ["Watch what you say to your brother - I'm worried he might kill himself."] And because of all of the above - I find it so very difficult to say 'good-bye'. I've had people in my life that I didn't like at ALL - for YEARS - because I felt that I had no choice. It's no wonder I fear having people in my life. Even as I write this I am struggling with whether or not I have the right to say 'good-bye' to a 'friend'. I don't want to hurt HIS feelings - of course - even though he far too often hurts mine. How does one get beyond that? I feel so guilty even asking that question. "You have no right to do what's best for YOU!", so scream the voices in my head. "What if HE really NEEDS YOU?" I have had people in my life who considered ME their 'best friend' that I didn't even like. I just kept praying that they would want to leave ME or move away or something. Any thoughts?Thanks,GREAT BIG HUGCraig!!

Hi Craig! It's good to see you back!I can’t say I know exactly how you’re feeling, but I’m pretty sure that it’s pretty darn close! I’ve learned from experience that you have to retrain your thoughts in situations like this. Many times I put other people and their situations ahead of my own and in the end I’m the one who winds up getting hurt and trampled upon. YOU have to realize that you can’t help other people unless they actually want that help in the first place. YOU have to realize that you're not meant to save everyone, you're not meant to be everyone's 'best friend,' nor are you meant to walk on egg shells while you're around someone because you're afraid you'll hurt them. I've learned that feelings are going to be hurt no matter what and it's not always your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty. YOU are not responsible for someone else's actions, you didn't choose the actios they did, so YOU are not to blaim. It's hard to walk away from things you've always felt were your duities, but if you don't take a stand now, you never will and you'll hate yourself for it.

" I was taught that I had the power to cause someone to commit suicide. ["Watch what you say to your brother - I'm worried he might kill himself."]"

If you are saying you were taught because of that one thing, then you're just assuming. By that they are just saying be careful, because anything could set him off.

I understand that feeling, Craig.I think, having intellectually decided what needs to be done, it's a matter of going well into your discomfort zone and just doing it. It's going to be unpleasant, and you probably won't feel good about yourself later but instead will have lots of second thoughts, but it's the right thing to do.

My heart goes out to you as well.I have the same sort of difficulty with my family. I should just be off the map with them, but I can't find the strength. I have had a friend commit suicide, it was one HELL of a learning experience for me. It took me a while to realize that I wasn't a factor in his death. I thought for quite a while that I could have done something. Now, I doubt I could have done anything more than I did to help him.Since then though, I realize, that the ONLY person I have power over is me. I die with ME, I live with ME, I sleep with ME, no matter what, where ever I go, there I am. As far as it goes, I have learned to say no more often, baby steps I guess. I still don't have it down pat, but as uncomfortable as it is, I DO feel better more often, when I am living for me, instead of everyone else.

I'm surprised you haven't learn to hate.My parents have told me (when I was younger) if for any reason my littles brother was unhappy or did something wrong I'd get whipped with the belt.I found it extremely hipocritical that they made it my job in life to entertain him and make sure he didn't screw up.. however, gave me no power to punish him. So.. I just learned to hate the lot of em.I have to say honestly that if someone commites suicide.. its not your fault. Its like depression. Many people claim to be "depressed" over getting rejected/breaking up with a girl. The truth is if someone is seriously that depressed over a girl then odds are they have deeper issues then just losing one girl.Much like with suicide. If someone is truely that dependent on you then odds are there are issues involved that go way beyond anything you can be expected to handle. If its any consolation.. at college orientation a week or two ago... me and 2 of the guys I became pretty good friends with during that stay had a similar discussion about why we felt it was weird to go to college. It ment even if we weren't moving out immediately.. we were ultimately moving (at least in heart) away from our home towns. It ment we were leaving people behind while we went forward in life.All 3 of us felt there was at least one person who needed us there.. that we would worry about. (probably for the rest of our lives) and that we really, really wish we didn't have to leave behind. However, we all we can really do is look to an uncertain future with a certain amount of determination.

Helms .... thats the irony... I really don't plan on returning any more then nessicery. I pretty much plan on using college for independence and then leaving my family behind me. *edit. Letting them pay for college then turning my back on em.The only one I plan on associating with after I get out on my own is one of my brothers who is 14 now.I will always in my heart struggle to let go of certain people. I have to accept that a previous person I fell for probably won't come back. I have to accept certain friends have just really... gone off on their own. Its kinda hard since I have only had a few friends at a time.However, its never easy. Just what must be done.. Once I can stand on my own I will walk away from my family, probably hometown, and possible state.

Hi Katie Lou, JM2007, HelmsmaN, Ineligible, PepsiChaser and Nny!! Thank you - ALL OF YOU - for the thoughtful replies. I truly appreciate it. GREAT BIG HUGCraig!!

It's thoughtful and kind thanks like that that make you such a lovely person, Craig.