It just gets the better of me sometimes

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Sometimes sadness and hatred get the better of me. The other day I cut my face with a limb saw and don't really know why. It would've been worse but my wife caught me, so the only really deep cut was on my forehead and across the bridge of my nose. It's fucked up isn't it. Hatred and anger I'm fine with, they're old friends. Sadness and despair I can't hardly take, especially when I've no idea why I'm sad or where the emptiness comes from.I feel like I shouldn't have these problems much less be posting them here. I should be past all this. The really fucked up part is that in all this hatred and anger and wanting to flee, I'm a happy person with shit pretty damn good, better than most in fact. Maybe it's just wonder lust. For to much of my life I've just wanted to run but never have. I guess cause I know that once you run you can't come back and I want to be able to come back.There is no question in these ramblings. I don't even know why the hell I'm writing it down much less posting it.

I have the same emptiness feeling even when I feel happy its still sits there for no reason  Quote:I don't even know why the hell I'm writing it down much less posting it. I believe that could be a question... your writing it just to let it out and feel a lil less stressed/worried

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way Scotty. :frowning: *hugs*

Did you do this as a form of cutting? I've never heard of using a limb saw, let alone to cut the face. Hope you can get out of this slump fast if you're a cutter.

Quote:For to much of my life I've just wanted to run but never have. I guess cause I know that once you run you can't come back and I want to be able to come back. God how I can relate. As far back as I can remember I just wanted to run, leave everyone and everything behind and just run. Start somewhere new where no one knows me and I can start over. But as you said once you do something like that it's almost impossible to come back, and eventually you're going to want to go home.Last few months I have had the urge very strong to just run and it's really pulling me under. It's hard to wake up in the morning and even harder to be around people in general. Just talking to people I feel my chest tighten and my anxiety rise.Like you I don't know why I have this urge to run, I don't see how it would solve anything or even make things better. I have a good life; I have a caring family, close friends, and a boyfriend that truly loves me. I have a decent paying long-standing job, even if the patients drive me insane.I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I have none. But hopefully knowing someone else understands you might in same way help. Just keep your chin up babe and I'll do my best to also keep mine up.BIG HUG

I say I'm not a cutter but in my younger days I used to cut, not like they do now... I don't think... never really understood it. Whether it was someone else's cutting or my own. Never did it very much anyway.As for the limb saw, it was one of those Japanese style saws, it was sharp and it was in my hand and I figured it would tear as much as cut so I did it... at least started to.As admittedly weird as this sounds it was not a matter of self harm it was just an urge that I don't understand. But maybe thats why anybody cuts, I don't know.@EddieI want to be lost to those that I know and care the most about. That makes no sense.I guess about all we can do is fantasize about running away, like we have before. Remember the postage stamp size of property on the beach?

Originally Posted By: NtroducingMyselfLike you I don't know why I have this urge to run, I don't see how it would solve anything or even make things better. I'm not sure it's running away from something as much as it is running to something but I don't know what that something is. Again it makes no sense.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks Originally Posted By: NtroducingMyselfLike you I don't know why I have this urge to run, I don't see how it would solve anything or even make things better. I'm not sure it's running away from something as much as it is running to something but I don't know what that something is. Again it makes no sense. I dunno I think it makes sense to a point. It's running towards something perhaps you think will be better, or perhaps even new. Or just starting over again from scratching after learning from previous mistakes. Than again I dunno if it makes any sense to be honest, just random thoughts going through my head.

I also have dreams of escaping...... to the Carribean. In fact it will be a reality soon.

What I really don't understand is why cut my face up with a saw. I don't understand it. I was doing it and I don't understand it. I don't like that. I always know, or convince myself I know, why I'm doing what I'm doing or thinking what I'm thinking. This time I just don't know and I don't like it. As a matter of fact it pisses me off.

Yeah some of my past has been shitty, not that anyone knows, save a couple. But this isn't about the past, this is about now and I don't understand what's wrong now. I don't understand why I feel sad or why I feel empty all the time anymore. Much less why I would pick up a saw and cut myself. It wasn't something I thought about it was just something I did.

It produce the exact effect that I hate and I knew it would even before I started to pull the blade. Now people ask and talk to me. I don't want them talking to me. I don't want them asking me what I did to my face. I just want to disappear into the background. I've run 10,000 miles and I'm still right here. I'm tired.

So you cut the bridge of your nose and part of your cheek? Well, it's a good thing your wife found you when she did. Did she know about this part of you, or is it something you're dreading having to explain to her? She might be a good person to vent to, unless she's part of the frustration you're feeling. Either way, you need to talk to someone. Is the cut going to leave a permanent mark, you think?

I don't think that its the time of year, maybe it is but I've never had the problem before at this time of year.

As for drugs I'm already on two anti-depressants, though I can't tell you what they're called. I don't get into what drugs are being put down me. I just tell the shrink whether I think they're working or not. I'm not on anything new. Whatever I'm on it's been the same shit for about a year or a year and half.

@Sexpert

It will probably leave a scar on my nose but not on my forehead (it was my forehead not my cheek). As far as my wife knows I told her I was scratching my forehead with the blade and when she came in the garage she scared me and when I jumped I cut myself. She seemed to buy it because I do stupid shit like that all the time.

I see a shrink. I'll talk to her about it next month when I see her.

ADDED:No I'm not going to say that. More than likely, even though I may intend to, when I get in there I usually clam up. No point in blowing smoke, with you all. I doubt I will say anything.

As for my wife, I couldn't talk to her. I put her on to high a pedestal. I want to be everything for her and I will not be week, of myself, in her presence. I don't know that to be exceptional though, (in real life) I tend not to speak to people anyway and don't like them in my space, literally or figuratively.

Hmm. Well, you could always shoot me a PM if you need to get things off your chest. Best of luck to you.

Are you looking for creativity in your life, Scotty? I am running myself, leaving the job I've been in for 20 years. It's a respected job but the ever-increasing stress has been damaging my health and it's not worth it, so I took an opportunity to leave with some money. I'm not leaving family behind but I am hoping to try some things I've always wanted to do but not had the time for.Someone once pointed out that given a choice between happiness and creativity, people choose creativity, which shows how important it is. And yet we often end up in ruts where we do nothing new.Grr, you should be talking to your shrink. What's the point of paying her if you don't use her?I don't know your wife, but most wives would rather their husbands trusted them enough to be weak in their presence.

I've not been ignoring your question Pete, just thinking about it. I'm for the most part temporally beyond my problems... content again, though I know it won't last forever.Your probably for the most part right. Boredom at work is big part of my problems. A testament to that is how much time I spend in this dead place, when I should be working. Of course problems at work don't really answer why anyone would try to cut their face of with a limb saw, but this deep rut does go along ways to explain disappointment with the way many things have turned out.I think the whole limb saw to the face thing is physical manifestation of my general contempt for what I have become. I have become nothing I ever wanted to be and nothing I enjoy being, other than a husband but as any married person, or person in a long term relationship, knows even that has its limitations.Ya know what the biggest fucked up part of all this shit is. It's that I've accomplished most of what I set out to in my life, at least to a reasonable extent. Why doesn't any of this shit make me happy, lack of creativity is probably a big part of it.I don't know I think a fair amount of it is my limitations in just being able to pull up stakes and go on to some new challenge. It's easy to say, as I've said it many times myself, to "just take a chance and find something you love." But when people rely on you and what you love doing changes with each passing fancy, actually doing that is not so easy, sometimes maybe impossible. How do you find what you love when each month some new interest comes along?As for talking to my shrink, I tend not to interact with other human beings unless necessary... shrink or not. This time though I might. My appointment is for this Thursday, not next month, so I'll have no choice but to explain the gash on my face. With regard to my wife, the problem is mine, not hers, and I know that. I have this whole Madonna\whore complex, with her, without all the Freudian bullshit. And that seems to be getting worse so talking to her about something like this isn't really something I'm open to. Besides, I know her well enough to know her response. It would just be, "do whatever you need to fix it." While we're happy and love each other without limits we're not the most intertwined or interdependent couple you'll ever meet.

It's that I've accomplished most of what I set out to in my life, at least to a reasonable extentHow about setting a new goal? I knwo that some people out there get bored with life because they've done all they wanted to do. Maybe finding some new goal will help you with that. Or maybe it won't, I dunno.

I know that you don't have any kids, but I swear to the big sky fairy upstairs that I am your son! You are what I will be in X amount of years, and I really hope that I can handle myself as well as you can. I have experienced only a fraction of what you have and if what I go through everyday is any indication of what you've gone through your entire life then you have my complete and utmost respect and admiration!Your success in life has always driven me to achieve my goals because you made me believe that I can succeed. And I don't mean success in the ordinary, money-focused, materialistic sense. I mean success in actually being able to participate in life like a normal person. A few months ago I had nothing going for me, now I have a girlfriend who I love and I'm in college and at the top of my class. I live in fear that any day now my focus will shift and I will lose all interest in what I have and let it all go. But you help me focus, you go through the same thing that I do and you have been doing it a lot longer than I have and despite these moments, you keep going.I am deeply thankful that you are here and if I have faith in anything in this world, its that you are strong enough to overcome anything.

I'm very glad life has looked up for you, bob.

Thanks Pete. I'm really happy at the moment because I finally feel like I have earned what I have now instead of having everything handed to me like everything else in my life. I'm trying to get out of the habit of having things given to me, I think its been the cause of a lot of my darker moments. Right now I'm working on moving out of my house, for one reason its to get closer to my college because I have a 90 minute commute every morning, but mainly I just want to grow up. I've put this off for far too long.

Thanks Bob, I'm glad I can be an inspiration to somebody in something I do, even it that's just my making it through week to week.@ StillSearchingYour probably right I think I do need some new goals that challenge my creativity. I keep thinking about going back to school. But, I know how I get in school and my major would change with each semester. Maybe it would be better to find some kind of new facet to my career... take what I've already got and do something new with it. I'm just not sure what that would be.@ PeteI know when I get in the Doc's office I won't talk to her, regardless my intentions. But, I think I should. So this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write down all my shit in a letter and hand it to her as soon as I go in (I have no problem handing something to her, just as long as I don't have to start off talking). Then she'll force me to talk about what's going on. So, thanks for making me think about it long enough to figure away around my aversion to interaction with people.back @ BobI'm not sure I like you happy. I've noticed your absence here by lack of humorous, satirical or just plain dirty wit and I don't like it. This bored needs some more irreverence and I don't know that Pete's up to the job. J/K Pete.In all seriousness I'm glad things are looking up for you. Now just don't go total Quagmire on her ass. Giggidy, Giggidy