'The Cutter's Nightmare'...

---

CUTTING DOESN'T HURT. I am one of the least pain-tolerant people in existence. Trust me. No hurting.And who wants scars? Me. They make me feel real. Proof. If I can bleed, than I am NOT a figment of someone's imagination.

It still doesn't make sense.But now I understand why the governments had to make insane assylums!

That was pretty insensitive. By the way, your friend has been banned.

Okay, so I'm still new to the site and maybe others know what I don't....but, who is "she"? The b***ch? If it's not something you want to broadcast, you know you can PM.Best!

In reply to:By the way, your friend has been bannedFinally!!

I think I can see where you're coming from in that self mutilation seems to serve a phsychological purpose for you, but I deliberatly say 'seems' here because I believe that feeling is an illusion. That is not to underestimate it; illusions can be very powerful adversaries, and make no mistake, any feeling which tells you self mutilation is in any way beneficial is an adversary indeed.I think if you ever truly want to put and end to that self-harming behaviour you'll have to start by first changing your attitude to it. To physically mutilate yourself is, of course, to literally do yourself an injury, and I have read that some people indulge in it as a form of control, a sort of "here, nothing you do to me hurts, look, hurt means fuckall to me" sort of stance. You said you regard the evidence of cutting as battle scars, my attitude is the opposite; I regard the skin which is unblemished as the true evidence of stregnth of mind, because I didnt allow my emotions or the circumstances of my life to push me to continue scarring it. Those sort of attitudes though, are not easy to change, probably near impossible without the aid of professional help, which I would urge you to seek, and I mean that in the kindest possible way.Really, there are too many fuckers out there in the world who'd be only too willing to hurt you - how does it make sense to jump the queue and put yourself top of the list?

Hey, star, don't I know you from somewhere? Oh yeah...from right inside my own mind. By the way....watch the dirty footprints, will ya?

Hey - not guilty - you'll know my footprints when you see them, cause there's five of them - and they're sandy!

i can remember when i my friend discovered i was cuttin myself .. she had never cut in her life or even thought about it as a matter of fact .. i explained it to her in terms of something that she likes or does for eg like hmmm ... well u know wen u have a bag of this candy and at first u get satisfaction from the first piece as u go on u are searching for the same satisfaction in every piece ... i dont know if that can help to but i must agree before i cut i dont thinki would have been able to understand the logic behind such a notion ...its a really beautiful poem by the way ...Cutting seems to me like the bad stuff is flowing away in my blood and i used to similarily fall asleep soon after a session u dinbt know what to say really i think its important that first u find out what u think is the root cause behind your cutting and then slowly begin to confront it .... u are never alone and no-one is their to criticise u if u fail but i mean hmm well try not to feel so bad towards your self although scars take a long time to banquish as time goes they do fade i mean some more than others im not really sure what else to say and i hope at least something i have said is helpful to u in some way and my pm is always open if u need it ToriexXx

Everyone has told me I need to find and obliterate the source of the majority of the negative emotions that cause me to want to inflict harm upon myself (at this point in time, not in the past). To do that, however, would be to die. I AM the source of my pain. I look at the mirror and I see a slimmer redheaded version of the person I fear and loathe most. I see HER in them, and that's why for the longest time, every time I saw a mirror, I broke it and cut myself. And now I'm scared of me, and so of course, I notice my reflection more often. I see myself in anything and everything. Glass, silverware, windows, water, even my boyfriend's eyes. Bad enough when it was boring old me, but it's not usually me as I am now anymore. I look, and it's some girl staring back at me. When she catches me looking, she smirks. I try to pretend it's someone else, or a trick of my eyes. She's just some teenager. Slim in faded jeans and a tank top, with rings on every finger and a borrowed Walkman at her hip. I'd love to say it's just an illusion. She looks just llike anyone else. But I know she's not. She looks at me with something in her eyes that can't be explained. Hurt and betrayal beyond description. The smile fades, and she sneers, just a bit, before fixing on that horrible cat's smile again. I know she's a liar and a fake. She never smiled. I know those eyes. How many hours did I spend watching to see if they'd turn green like HERs? I'm the one who did that I-did-it-myself-but-you-know-you-like-it haircut on brilliant red hair that hadn't started fading to auburn yet. I know who this kid is, and I look at her, and I HATE HER. I'm not violent, but I want this kid dead before she can hurt anyone else. She hasn't yet managed to drive her best friend to suicide, burn down her friend's house, kill her own child, nor has she broken any of the hearts that will become hers to protect. I want to break the cycle, but that is, of course, not a possibility. Oh, well. I really wish the root of my hurting was something I could get away from. Pity. If wishes were pigs, bacon would always be on sale. As it is, I frequently find myself using my escape to get away from myself. Better to die alone than to live in fear of your own shadow.

hello , firstly , if you do need to cut your self , try not to cut your wrists becouse as your poem suggests , that is BAD

and secondly , cleary you hate your self , so why not try changing your self, to love the world one must love them selves,

Good luck the road is long and hard

Damn....that's an AWFUL lot of hate and self-loathing....

"..you hate your self , so why not try changing your self"

That's very very good advice.

Thats true, but then most worthwhile actions are easier said than done. I didnt find getting off cocaine and putting myself through university easy, but it was definatly worthwhile.

I try as hard as I can to at least make a start at changing who I am, but there are some stains that cannot be removed. I don't want to be like her, but I can't be anything different. I make sure to cut where it can't kill or even hurt, and then regret it, wishing I had nerve. Forget little chips of glass.... I should get my old katana sharpened and slice my femoral artery clean though. But I never do, and I never will.... I try so hard to be something or someone I can love and respect. But I've managed to fail so far. Any tips, aside from lobotomizing myself with a rusty and broken crochet hook?

**Give yourself a break hon..............you sound like you're being really hard on yourself. Finding the person inside who you can love, with all the good bits and bad bits, can take time and be upsetting and unsettling to say the least. Only when you accept yourself for what and who you are will you be happy. **

ok .... it took me sooo long to think of an appropriate reply for u and then i dont know something someone said to me lingered.... i am the worlds worst for keep pulling myself up on things i have done in the past and my friends always tell me i just have to let go of it but its never as easy as they make it sound i dont know if u have ever tried this either writing something u have done in the past or something u think that cannot be erased on a piece of paper or a white/chalk board and writing every emotion underneath of how u feel about it and what u did after u have done this tear this paper into shreds i dont know what it is mentally but it really helps me to begin the process of allowing myself to live and let that thing die so to speak it might help.....you seem to have many people around u from what i gather in your other threads and i know that if u ask them im sure they will give u some support as breaking a habit its safe to call it that i think takes timey not ask ur boy friend to tell u some of the things that he loves about you and spend sometime then making yourself give reasons why ..... the more positive things the better !!then look at the little negative things that get to you pick them one at a time and take however long it takes to conquer them but pick small things first the things that can be more easily be removed this builds your self esteem and makes you able to tackle the bigger ones as u should KNOW u can do it by then.....try to think of ur shadow as someone watching over you someone positive as for the side of you you dont like i know its not easy but one time or another you have to confront her curse at her in the mirrors if u want tell her how u feel and how u want her to be gone she hasnt done anything bad yet u said so stop her u are the only person who can do this but we are all here to help u !!!i hope some of what i said helpedand u seem like a lovely person maybe it is u who cannot see it

Hey, I really like your advice....seems simplistic on the surface, but there's a lot to what you said.Constructive criticism: use punctuation...makes it much easier to get through and more people will make the effort to read all the way to the end.

thanks ... hard to believe i take higher level english huh ?... i mean t was however 4 am when that came to me thanks though

You said "I make sure to cut where it can't kill or even hurt, and then regret it, wishing I had nerve";

Nerve is what it takes, not to kill yourself, but to to go on living when you want to kill yourself. This brings me back to what I said earlier about the necessity for changing your attitudes before you can change your behaviour. It is very apparent to me that you need to work towards a big-time attitude shift. It is only when those attitudes are erased that it will be possible for the behaviour to be altered.

Suicide is not couragous, it is quite the opposite; it is the most final possible way of quitting, giving in, what is couragous about that??! And I say this as someone who has lost two people now to suicide.

Strong people ARE NOT people who cut and kill themselves, strong people are those who possess the inner fibre to resist those self harming behaviours and work towards positivity in those negative areas of their minds.

From everything you've said I really dont think you are up to the challange on your own. I dont mean this in any sort of hurtful or demeaning way; what I'm saying is that I truly feel you need professional help in the area of behavioral therapy because while you are holding fast to the attitudes that you have I cannot see how it will be possible for you to stop harming yourself on your own.

Would you consider therapy? (And please dont tell me you've been to therapy and it didnt work for you, cause if that's the case it was the wrong form of therapy)