Neurotic in a relationship?

---

i know i have a history of posting a topic whenever the slightest issue appears in my life, and its gotten on the nerves of some people, but believe me im working on becoming more self sufficient. if anything im trying to help other people with issues on this board more as opposed to just self-centrered whining, and i promise this will be the last whiney thread i post for a long time. But, its an issue for me nonetheless:anyway on to the point,im with my first real girlfriend ever- we've been together for 2 weeks tomorrow. for me, its a big deal- things where going great at first. hell i even met her family the first weekend we where dating. i havent made out/snogged with her much, only in private as she doesnt like public displays of affection too much i think, but she pecks me on the lips alot. she gets horny a lot, and i have a weird problem with lust, when im with a girl i never take it as far as i should- i can never seem to totally 'go for it' and it makes me a little uneasy. she seems affecionate and shes even pointed out when our month anniversary is...conviniently on the day of a friends party where we're both sleeping round...and shes said shell sleep with me on that day. my problem is, i keep feeling like we're gonna break up any day now- when im around her, i just dont know what to say, i know i should be myself and relax, but im trying and it isnt working out too well. im scared she'll get bored. and also, if we do last that long and she wants to sleep with me at that party, what if i cant get it up? im building it up so much in my mind- you can tell me not to, but thats impossible- im like a kid before christmas for heavens sakes. anyway, this isnt just pointless whining- im feeling genuinely neurotic and paranoid about this and its making me really unhappy...shes so incredible, and i dont wanna lose her. please help. thanks.-ak

As for the "whining" all I can say in whine away. Tis often better to complain and bitch to people here than those in your real life. Here if somebody doesn't like it they simply don't have to read it. I say post as much as you like about whatever is bothering you at the moment and fuck those that want to complain.As for your problem, telling you not to worry about it is, I agree, of little use. So maybe it's better that you worry away, think it through to all it's possible horrible outcomes and then move on. If you do this just always be on guard to not let your feeling invade how you act with your lady. Save the worrying for when your by yourself or on this board. Vent to us and not her about your self inflicted insecurities. Understand, that's not to say it wouldn't be healthy to discuss your feeling with her, it would. Just don't fall victim to making your relationship about your insecurities. Talk about your feeling with her just don't obsess about them with her. Obsess about them with us.The only thing I can say about being afraid of your seemingly impending coitus is, as best you can, don't focus on it to much. It's normal to be apprehensive but don't obsess about it. Just how you avoid that I'm not really sure... maybe just ignore it. If you can't get it up you won't be the first, by far. The thing to remember when engaging in sex is to just let yourself get lost in the act. Enjoy the experiences and sensations of the here and now and don't spend time thinking about it. If your lost in what your doing and enjoying the experience than I guarantee you'll get it up. Remember, logic, thought, and contemplative analyzation are the enemies of a strong erection.

Great reply by OldFolks. I'll just add that in my experience the things I worry about usually don't happen - any problems are more likely to be unexpected ones. Don't worry that you didn't go far enough on any occasion - you probably went the right distance for you, and it's better to not go far enough than to go too far. She won't get bored with you, she's still getting to know you and everything is new and (I'm sure) a delight.

yeah, im not worried about getting lost in the moment at the time, im worried about the 17 days i have to endure before the time comes. i honestly think im losing it- tbh, maybe im too messed up to have a girlfriend. i cut myself from time to time- i feel like breaking down crying most of the day. the slightest thing sets me off into anger and i feel tired all the time...when im not with my girlfriend i feel miserable, and when im with her i feel tense and like she gets on my nerves. i feel like shes only with me for the sake of it, and i wish i could get out of this mindset...i just want to be relaxed and normal, and make her happy and let her make me happy. why cant i relax? again, if this seems like whining...well, it really is getting to me and i do kinda feel the need to ask for help. thanks..akps- my friends suggested 'treat her mean to keep her keen' like ignoring her/being mean to her to keep her interested, but i dunno how...is it even a good idea?

You've had an anxiety attack with a crisis of confidence, but as we said elsewhere, if she wants you and you want her, all is well.I think the 'treat her mean to keep her keen' policy is misguided.

wow relax man, just b urself liek u said. if she said shes ready 2 sleep wit u then she loves u and u guys will b fine. i have faith in you!

i know i seemed better on msn yesterday...but fuck, things have gotten so much worse.fuck, i feel like hell right now. i can see three possible outcomes to this problem1.she dumps me before the party2.i dump her before the party3.she cheats on me, resulting in either outcome 1 or 2 today she barely fucking spoke to me- shes so fucking insensitive. she knows how fucked up my life is and she doesnt care. im making all the effort in this relationship, she isnt putting herself out at all. this isnt one of this simple 'so dump her' issues though, it has a nasty little twist. if i break up with her ill never forgive myself, because i mean, she actually promised me sex and gave the date when we'd do it. even if the chances of it happening are slim to nil now, they still exist, and i cant dump her because of it. its not just that though, i want this relationship to work...soo much...but it feels like its doomed no matter what the fuck i doi asked her a few times if she was okay, she just got annoyed. fair enough im paranoid, if you dont like it dont give me fucking reason to be. ive gone from being the happiest in my life to wanting to die. i hate my girlfriend right now, but i still love her so much. ill be lost without her...i want to cry right now. i wish i could just make the relationship work and make us both happy and have everything pan out okay...fuck

You need to relax and stop being so paranoid. If you really don't want to be with her, then dump her. The sex on a planned date isn't everything and it shouldn't be the goal of the relationship. If you dump her, then you don't need to hate yourself because of not getting the sex. You just started dating two weeks ago, that is not a long time. You should not even be worrying about things like that. Just go with the flow, I doubt anything horrible will happen. I think you're just being too paranoid. If you sit there obsessing and worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong, you're just going to screw everything up. Sometimes it's better not to think. EDIT: I also have to agree with HelmsmaN, sex is not a good reason to be in the relationship. I think it's pretty damn low to be in a relationship just for the sex.

Very well said Helmsman. One reason is: there are other fish in the sea. Staying with her just to get laid is a very wrong reason. If you're wanting to get laid so badly, find another girl, (or if this one works out) and have a relationship and make it love-making, not fucking. Other than that I can't add much that Helms, and others, didn't say.

Originally Posted By: Africa

i asked her a few times if she was okay, she just got annoyed. fair enough im paranoid, if you dont like it dont give me fucking reason to be.

Sounds like you're dating my ex!

She'd not talk to me for up to 2 weeks and any time I asked her if she was ok, she'd throw a right paddy.

Eventually I learned that she "wanted her space" i.e. wanted me to leave her the hell alone for a while.

Truth of the matter was she just couldn't be bothered having a boyfriend...i.e. me. She was lazy, and wouldn't make the effort to see me or anything.

I just hope this isn't your path...

looks like it is. and in response to the other people, thanks for your replies- if it came across like im just using this girl for sex, im really not. i love her. im just crazy about her and this is killing me inside...but helmsman is right, i have to sort myself out before i can have a girlfriend..

I think you're just in a mood swing at the moment, Africa, and I would advise doing nothing drastic until it has stabilised. Notice how your three possibilities are NOT the only possible ones? Your depression and anxiety are concocting a false story, ignoring the most likely outcomes.

well today wasnt great either...she was a bit nicer to me. i could actually joke around but it still felt horrible and awkward. and when i tried having a talk with her, even just a tiny one saying 'i think we're going through a rough patch right now, but i mean you get that in any relationship and we'll be okay' she was just like 'yep yeah fine'. I dont get it. Maybe if she seems so aloof i should be too. But fuck, i feel miserable...basically theres 10 days after the weekend til the party, im NOT, repeat not using her for sex, but i reckon she wouldnt sleep with me if things where going badly, and to avoid sleeping with me she'll have to cancel on the party (shes already said she 'might not' be coming, which is an awful coincidence) so basically i have 10 days to keep her sweet...theres no point just dragging the relationship along for 10 days, what can i do to really revitalize things? someone recommended being aloof about it and not caring, 'treat her mean to keep her keen' but fuck, im not good at that stuff. i know ive been posting a lot in this thread but it really is having a negative impact on my happiness...im so in love with this girl i cant stand to watch our relationship die and do nothing. any advice is welcome. -ak

Ugh no no no no no!
You're falling into the niceguy trap SO fast. She seems like she wants a bit of mistreatment.
I know you can't, so all you can do is NOT ASK HER HOW SHE'S DOING, and NOT TALK ABOUT THE "RELATIONSHIP".

Those are the most rookie mistakes you can make ever cos it shows she has you wrapped round her finger.

I'm deadly serious here - any more of that and it WILL be finished.

It sounds like she's testing you - and I warn you that pressure is incoming.

She wants to see if you can handle her living her own life without you. She doesn't want a puppy following her round. She wants someone mature, but not a soggy mess.
If you impress her enough to get her into bed (sad I know but some girls work this way, including my ex).
Then you have to be able to actually have sex with her. At this rate you're gonna be a quivering wreck when confronted by her mystery triangle!
She may give you a second chance if it goes wrong, if it goes wrong again, I'm afraid you've had it soldier.

If she starts telling you she's not feeling well, my advice would be to get rid of her and move on before she destroies your will to live. It WILL happen.
And people will now post saying "maybe she's genuinely ill". Yeah - maybe, but the chances are 85% against it. I've spoken to 8 individual girls who use illness as an excuse to get the hell outta there.

Don't be the first to contact her. Leave it a few days. If she doesn't contact you then she blatantly isn't interested. Look out for "my phone was broken" or "i ran out of credit" or "i've been really busy".
It takes 4 seconds to send a text that says "u ok?" If she can't find the time to do that, you know where you stand.

Don't turn into me, it's not fun!

fuck man, your post has me really worried, but it makes a lot of sense...help me out here dude, how can i get her interest back then? how can i 'mistreat' her? can it even be salvaged? it feels like its terminal here tbh

Well that's the problem I can't help you with really.I'm the same as you - I SUCK hard at that sorta thing. I know what not to do but I dunno what I should do instead.Definately start my doing what I suggested. Don't contact her. Now I've tried this so many times but in the end I puss out and text her saying hi or something.One time I managed 2 weeks though. TWO WEEKS! and she STILL didn't contact me. I pussed out after 2, and still didn't have the guts to finish it. I felt like warm crap.That's really all I can suggest. If she does contact you first, ask her if she wants to meet up or something. Do something lighthearted and try and have fun. DON'T SMOTHER HER. Keep arms and lips WELL away from her. If she wants attention she'll pester you for it. Don't be bummed out if she doesn't tho - it's all part of her test. She wants to see that you can be independant.If she refuses to go out, don't ask why, or arrange something else. Just say "alright then". This shows that you DON'T need her - which you don't.Just stop being a pussbag and things should look up.

see thats a problem, i left her a myspace comment and pic comment before i posted this thread.and suprise suprise, she didnt comment back.shes going to her dads this weekend...its gonna be agony, all this thinking...still ill try. so, should i not contact her, hug her, kiss her, barely talk to her? where do i draw the line?

There's no line to draw. You just plain don't speak to her.

You sound deeply in lust, not love. I always think I'm in love but I never have been. I can see that now. Love is not what you're going through.

Luckily through years of this kinda crap I've finally grown the big cajones to say "Look. If you can't be bothered with me, I can't be bothered with you. See ya"

I know exactly what you're thinking too. "What if she never ever contacts me?"

What do you think? She obviously doesn't care about you! Would you rather live a lie and be with someone who doesn't give two hoots about you? If so I suggest you get some counselling fast, cos that's NOT on.

If she genuinely wants you as a boyfriend, she'll put in some effort, cos at the moment it seems like you're doing everything.
Be strong. No excuses.

I say give her a week to contact you. If you hear nothing, consider it over. At that point I would then say you should NOT call her saying that it's over, because she'll all of a sudden be very nice to you. If you must have that sorta closure, then go ahead, but when you say it's over, it has to be over. No second chances.

not even a hello? she goes to my school, i see her every day. should i wait for her to say 'hello'? and if she does, do i respond? i figure i can do this i just need to get a grasp on the details.

Yeah Don't ignore her, but don't pay her any special attention. If you see her then my advice would be to be nonchalant. If she says hi, then reply, but make her make the conversation.Make it seem like you couldn't be bothered. Again, hands and lips off. Try to keep some physical distance between you if you get to talking. No close quarters stuff.