Gay Married.... How to keep wife satisfied?

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your right that iM against it, but what i feel isnt important, the matter at hand is helping another human being and he obviously isnt going to change his mind, there is no point to continue kicking him.I think its a horrid thing to do to another person, I also dont think its worth beating the poor bastard to death!We all said the same thing, it changed nothing. Its time to find something new that might help.For the record though, I know what boys want, if it were my daughter or sister, Id be much more content if they told me they were lesbians than if they said they found a wonderful man they were going to marry.trust me, dont call bullshit on that one, theres tons of shit I keep off these boards, I know that because Iv already been down that road.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks

...are you sure your being honest with yourself?

yes.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks

Spouses generally share their problems and support each other in those problems, that's what builds the relationship and makes it strong, ...being there for one another. Don't you think someone who cares about you would want to know your problems if nothing else to help with them. In binding their life to you and partnering with you don't you think they deserve to know your handicaps in the relationship.

i don't know.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks

Ya know this is not a small thing, while I completely agree that a successful relationship is built on many other things than sex, this isn't about sex. This is about a very large part of you.

i am trying to work on this very large part of me to be able to meet her expectations for as much as possible.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks

While "complete disclosure" is certainly not a requirement of marriage...

i am glad you agree to as much.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks

less [you mean: lest] the gaping hole in your sole will be evident and she will always wonder, more than likely blaming herself... and I know you don't want that.

that's what scares me. however, i will always provide her with a way out of the relationship, if i fail.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks

what is it you fear the most about letting her, or anyone, know? Is it loss of her love, loss of your standing in the community, loss of parental affections, loss of income, loss of the love of God?

none of the above, except for maybe/partially loss of my standing in the community, but that's a minor issue. again i say it is (a) not a subject of discussion at all in my community and (b) i do not think it is relevant. PLUS, i do not think or feel that having homosexual thoughts is what makes me. I do not look or act gay. i do not want to be in a gay relationship, although i find some men attractive/affectionate. if i came out and said, hey i am gay, i would be presenting to the world/my community a new person that i am not even sure is me. i think that being gay involves wanting to live and make a family with a person of the same sex, as ntroducinghimself has described. i do not want that. and, if i did want that more than to be married and have kids, then i would choose a "single, sexless life of loneliness" over the solutions that ntroducing and star suggest/plan/practice.

i do not feel that i am being dishonest with myself, scotty.

Quote:I will say though that what you talked about ammounts to aversion therapy, you will never be able to cure being gay, to go through with that course, I think, would only add torture to the rest of your life. If you train yourself to shy off of what it is that actually is felt, I cant imagine ever being happy or content. And to that I will say AMEN!This is exactly why I made the comment about seeking therapy OUTSIDE the church and to a biast party. Aversion therapy solves nothing; it just buries the problem until it comes to ahead later on in life. It's not a solution by far, just a temporary fix (If even that).You know how many people have committed suicide after attending and going through aversion therapies??? It's saddening. Why try and change a person? Why not instead get the person to accept who they are, and give them tools on how to live their lives being WHO THEY ARE? It’s all ridiculous to me.

wait wait wait, back the fuck up.
just clarify some shit for me because now im thinking we are on a different page than we were before.
you said:

i do not think it is relevant. PLUS, i do not think or feel that having homosexual thoughts is what makes me. I do not look or act gay. i do not want to be in a gay relationship, although i find some men attractive/affectionate. if i came out and said, hey i am gay, i would be presenting to the world/my community a new person that i am not even sure is me.

so your saying that your not sure your gay, you feel some attraction to other men, sometimes here and there but dont even have an inner desire to have sex with them?

because if Im reading htat right, this whole argument is pointless, its all bullshit and your misunderstanding your curiosity and mistaking it for being gay.
if that is the case, this whole conversation is wrong and needs to be started over.
I assumed you were gay, not like I like some men, I think that guys good looking, ID like to be closer to hat guy, I thouth like Id like to fuck that guy, Im not happy with women, I need some dick and that you wanted to cover that up.
We need to clear up what it is you feel and why you think your gay, that part of this can completely change my entire opinion and im sure many others.
have you ever had a sexual relationship with a man? DO you feel your emotionally unable to love a woman as a wife but could love man?
Im so fucking lost right now, you need to clear some shit up make sure we all understand where your coming from.
if its just thinking a guy is good looking or say a close friend that you care about but dont want to fuck, thats a whole other subject.
fuck Ill freely admit to caring about some men, to even thinking they are good looking, fuck Ill admit Iv thouth about fucking a guy and if Id enjoy it. None of that makes me gay. IF its that sorta shit thats got you fucked up looking for help we are approaching this whole thing 100% wrong.

Quote: PLUS, i do not think or feel that having homosexual thoughts is what makes me. I do not look or act gay. i do not want to be in a gay relationship, although i find some men attractive/affectionate. if i came out and said, hey i am gay, i would be presenting to the world/my community a new person that i am not even sure is me. i think that being gay involves wanting to live and make a family with a person of the same sex, as ntroducinghimself has described. i do not want that. and, if i did want that more than to be married and have kids, then i would choose a "single, sexless life of loneliness" over the solutions that ntroducing and star suggest/plan/practice.Homosexual thoughts are not what makes me either, yet I have embraced the truth that I am a homosexual man. I refuse to let society or my “standing” in a community affect part of who I am, regardless if it’s a small part or a large part. Either you accept all of me, or none of me. Plan and simple.I don’t act gay either, most people are usually pretty shocked after talking and being around me that I am gay. I like sports, going hunting, and go to the gym and work out. Daily activities are not what makes a person gay, it’s their emotional level to another person of the same sex. Because you state you are gay you are a new person? Absolutely not! You are who you are regardless of your sexual orientation. I was the same exact person I was the day before the day I realized and accepted the fact I was gay. Sexuality does not define the man the man defines himself. As for the whole marriage thing… what is a piece of paper that says, “You are married”? If you love someone a piece of paper means squat. Again I have expressed before you could still have a family with someone of the same sex, all kids need is love and support and they blossom. But I understand saying this to you is futile. Regardless what you think, you owe it to this woman to be honest and upfront with her so she knows what she is getting into. It’s unfair for you to decide this marriage on lies and leave her in the dark. Again be a man, and be honest with this woman. It’s the least you can do if you love her… which begs me to ask, do you even love her? Or are you just looking for someone to marry for this Aversion Therapy?

The posts that those have made here.. make people hurt, make people depressed and often make them think about suicide. They do more harm then they good.Read what is says up there... http://www.afraidtoask.com ... not http://www.iwantyouropinion.com.This guy came here for help. Not to be bashed. If you don't have ANYTHING nice to say.. dont say it. And if you are going to say it... don't push so hard to hurt someones feelings.

BY THE WAYJust thought i'd remind you all of this post  Quote: I'm concerned that we are not giving as friendly a response to new posters as we should. I'd like to suggest:1. It's scary to post on a new board for the first time. Everyone seems to know each other and you're new. It's even more scary when you're talking about something that is very personal that you haven't talked about to anyone else before. A friendly response is therefore very important.2. As I've said before, the main purpose of this board isn't to provide a cosy home to old regulars, but to provide helpful answers to people with questions. Therefore new, uncertain, posters are what the board is about.3. Some people have abrasive styles of speaking. Sometimes that is due to nervousness or feeling insecure. Sometimes it is due to other things behind the scenes that we don't know about. (There are some people here with horrific stories.) We should never be quick to take offence.4. Under this new software, new posters don't get shown the dates of posts unless they make a selection in their preferences that they are nowhere told to make. It's therefore not fair to come down hard on people for re-opening old threads. I think it's something we fuss too much about, and cause more trouble over than it's worth. Either the re-opened thread can be left quietly to die again, or the poster can be politely told that the thread is old and the original poster gone. Occasionally, re-opening the thread may actually prove to be worthwhile.

Originally Posted By: pinkranger4This guy came here for help. Not to be bashed. If you don't have ANYTHING nice to say.. dont say it. And if you are going to say it... don't push so hard to hurt someones feelings.Very well said, pinkranger4. You're an angel :-)

Did you get that PM i sent you?

Originally Posted By: pinkranger4Did you get that PM i sent you? Yes, I did. Thank you. Still reading over there.

Feel free to help this young man ruin not just his own life, but the life of his "wife" and kids. I hope it makes you feel real warm inside.

Pink as far as I can tell, we have all given him advice. It might not have been the advice he wanted to hear, but regardless it's advice. Sometimes the hardest advice to take is the truth, which I think plenty people have given him.I'm sorry he felt he was going to hear people actually tell him how to lie and deceive this woman... but just not going to happen.

Originally Posted By: pinkranger4The posts that those have made here.. make people hurt, make people depressed and often make them think about suicide. And what effect do you imagine his plans would have on the mindset of the unsuspecting female involved here? The exact strategy he is planning has driven women (God alone knows how many of them) to suicide - have a quick look round the net and provide yourself with some facts.You’ve switched modes here from saccharine sweet to a nosy, presumptuous and intrusive busybody Pink Ranger. You are NOT the Post Police – don’t assume the right to tell me what to post. If you don’t like the tone of my posts there’s a simple way out of that: Don’t read them.If you think the “help” this poster came here looking for; suggestions on how to feign arousal where he feels none in order to deceive a woman for the rest of her natural life, is acceptable, you and I are VERY MUCH in disagreement. Like Ntro and LTTA, I agree that this is WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE ADVICE TO BE SOUGHT OR GIVEN on these boards. If YOU think THAT is appropriate advice for anyone to give him go ahead and give him your tips on how to fake a hard-on yourself.

Well said.

No I may not be the post police. But I've been attacked like him before and the way that I said you make people feel. is EXACTLY how I felt when people attacked me.
He's obviously not going to change his mind about marrying this woman. You know that. So why continue to bitch and push?
Quote:
to a nosy, presumptuous and intrusive busybody
Nope. Just stating my opinion like I'm allowed to.

Originally Posted By: pinkranger4

He's obviously not going to change his mind about marrying this woman. You know that. So why continue to bitch and push?

Nope. Just stating my opinion like I'm allowed to.

Actually I had stepped out of contributing to this conversation until your post directed at me which was so obviously requiring of a response. I don't know who you think you are, but there is a world of difference between opining and instructing, and you needn't bother ever instructing me how to structure my posts again, unless you're looking to be promptly told to fuckoff.

then maybe YOU should direct YOURSELF to the thread "how to treat new members"

Originally Posted By: pinkranger4Did you get that PM i sent you? Responses from the "other" bulletin board that you linked:- I have a friend who is gay. He was happily married for 40 years and rasied two daughters, before his wife passed away from illness.He has told me that he NEVER once cheated on his wife. That is commitment. I believe there are a great many men who may harbor some gay/bi attractions. But each man is an individual and you cannot predict the outcome.I also believe most men fall somewhere on the gay/straight continuum. It IS possible to be gay and love a woman and have a successful marriage. Isn't hoosier a good example? I think you are really stressing about this. I agree with other posters who state you need to hightail it to a counselor. A GOOD marriage counselor, not just some well-meaning church friend. And hopefully not some homophobic counselor.Good luck with your marriage.- With this kind of thinking, "it might not work, so lets not put our all into it", a marriage very likely does have a chance of falling apart. I don't know your situation, but I'd say, love each other, give your all to each other, be happy, and don't worry!- Well, blue, I read that thread too and felt most of the posters did not respect the fact that he had already made his decision to be married. Many just kept insinuating the marriage couldn't work, which IMHO is patently untrue.- I was married for five years, together with my wife for eight. We divorced about five years ago.I can tell you that I loved (still love) my (now ex-) wife very much. She was more than a good friend. In trying to do what was right by my family and what I beleived at the time to be right by God I made a serious misjudgement in my own ability. I can tell you that I left the marriage when the emotional turmoil ate away at me and I could no longer deal. It created a lot of pain for her and me. Pain for our families, etc. Now, I have been a member of a community of currently/former married gay men and fathers. Most of us agree that it is difficult to maintain a marriage with a woman. You see, being gay is not just about sex. It is about everything that a hetero man feels for a woman in his life. Even the men who were staying in their marriage admitted how hard it was (and not to scare you, but most of them "slipped up" from time to time).Please, PLEASE see a licensed marriage counseler about this issue. That is the ONLY way to figure out if this will work. A marriage out of a sense of responsiblity, duty, or religion is really no marriage at all.Good Luck and know that no matter what, life always works out.- I won't play soothsayer and predict your marriage won't work. What I will say is you can't stop being gay. You can stop acting on it and denying who you are I suppose. The human mind is capable of great things. You two may be together for 80 years, have children and grandchildren and so on...Now of course, this is true of straight marriages as well. There are people who marry but may still harbor a flame for someone else or feel they needed to marry and took the first thing that came along. You get the point. ... etc.- If the gay man is conforming to his religion (but I rather say God) to fit in and is struggling with his attraction to men, but wants to serve his God by doing right by getting married to a women, then I have respect for him for several reasons:1.He knows that fornication is wrong and that any sex outside of a heterosexual marriage means that he is commiting sin.2. Instead of him being carnal by giving in the the lust of his flesh and his sexual urge to be with a man, he has denied himself, taking up his cross to serve God by being a living sacrifice.3. Because if he is a fornicator, idolater, adulterer, thief, covetor, drunkard, revilers, or extortioner, he understands that he no longer can engage in those sins if he wants to inherit the kingdom of God.Marriage is no fairy tale. It would be nice to have a mate that ONLY lusts after you and ONLY desires to be with you. But unfortunately with sex thrown at many men on billboards and throuth the media, for some men the temptation to stray will and does happen.... etc.And here's one which I found truly perplexing:- The gender to which a person is attracted is not as important as the way he or she treats that person.

>>>"The exact strategy he is planning has driven women (God alone knows how many of them) to suicide - have a quick look round the net and provide yourself with some facts."

I can guarantee it's not nearly as many as the number of gay men that have offed themselves because of the demands society places on them.

.... there is no point in this pissing contest. Men, women, children, families there all victims of these same societal prejudices. The fact is this time it's the man here reaching out for help trying to do his best with what his upbringing and beliefs have equipped him with, within what his society deems acceptable.

The only important thing, and the only thing we have any way of addressing, is helping a gay man find his way in a straight society that condemns anything homosexual.

Is it right that any society or religion does such a thing to it's members, I don't think so. But, that's not the issue at hand. The important thing, right now, is that this man has a place to come and be heard and feel safe airing his problems.

He doesn't need another place berating him right now. He may not feel like that's what's been happening to him, that's just my call.

Originally Posted By: pinkranger4

then maybe YOU should direct YOURSELF to the thread "how to treat new members"

pinkranger4: please ignore her.